Imagine attending a wedding reception, and you watch as your single friends leave the floor from attempting to catch the bouquet/garter! Inundated with enthusiasm for their future, you begin to think of how amazing it will be when they meet someone and you are sitting (or standing) at their wedding. So you waltz over and blurt out the nicest and most sensible phrases that come to mind! After all, marriage is the beginning of their "real life"!
WRONG! HAVE SEVERAL SEATS...actually, have all the seats at the wedding reception.
I'd like to speak (if I may) on behalf of several single people who are in a state of mental and emotional frustration concerning contentment. Here are my TOP 5 things a married person should NEVER say to a single person:
5. I should hook you up with someone -- OR -- Don't worry, your time is coming soon.
I know this sounds harmless and all, but to a single who is eager to marry or anticipating the romantic joys of a relationship headed towards marriage, this can be a real "thrill-killer" when that over-zealous married person promises a hook-up yet gets so involved in the affairs of family/married life that they forget to actually hook that person up. Even the premature (yet seemingly encouraging) announcement that my time is drawing near can be a bit misleading. What if God calls them to singleness later in life or has a different purpose for them? It seems nice to say, but may encourage false hopes, that when deferred, make the heart sick (Prov. 13:12).
Advice: Just set up the hook up, don't talk about it. And don't mention 'their time' unless they are right about to walk down the aisle in 5 minutes (and sometimes not even then).
Ahhh yes- the religious response! After all, didn't Paul admonish believers to be content in whatever state their in (Phil 4:11-13)? And didn't Paul enjoy HIS singleness. Let's not forget God called Paul to this life and some people are...well...NOT CALLED! This isn't to say they shouldn't be content but some things are easier said than done. Many singles who chase after God's heart are in fact seeking after a content attitude and heart, and God is developing that over time. This advice seems admirable, but though God desires contentment from us, this doesn't ONLY apply to single seasons. And it's not a requirement before marriage. So what of this response? It's a brush off response that lacks empathy. Just reflect to your single years and how you would have felt if someone had 'encouraged' you with these words. I'm sure (like most) you'd be even less content WITH THEIR RESPONSE!
Advice: Just be there to listen to their concerns and struggles. Empathize with them, but challenge them to be busy with things they're passionate about. Help them create a list of things God HAS provided for them and to meditate on that list every time they get discouraged. Then in your secret prayer time, pray for their contentment.
3. Ask God what it is He needs to work on in YOU...after all maybe you aren't ready yet!
WHAT!!!??? Oh I wish I had time with this one. So you telling me ALL the people in ALL the world (that are married) had ALL their ducks in a row BEFORE they got married? "Girl BYE" A wise woman once told me that God designed marriage as an institution that He could use to perfect people by rubbing them together. Which meant (to me), He has no problem using two very imperfect people legally and spiritually bound together to mature them both into looking just like Him. This, alone, takes a lot of the romantic look out of marriage, but I digress. My point is, lets not act like we had it all together when we walked down the aisle, and lets not forget we never will.
Advice: While every single has some idle God wants to deal with, help that single focus on their spiritual growth in general; not for the purpose of being ready when their spouse proposes. Keep your personal experiences out of the conversation (in these cases) because everyone meets and marries under different conditions and God's methods aren't to be confound to a box.
2. Maybe you should go out more -- OR -- Why don't you try online dating?
Not that I have anything against going out or online dating (nor do I frown completely upon this advice)...they are both rather conventional methods in our day in age; but what if I don't prefer (but not necessarily opposed) to meeting someone those ways? Do I change my patterns, morals, and schedules to accommodate this advice for that sole purpose? And what if I can't? What if I can't afford to go out more or it isn't within my budget to join online dating sites (the legit ones)? Do I miss out on what God may have for me? I think not! Those aren't the end all-be all. God won't be boxed, He can cause a recluse to meet an extrovert in the most unimaginable ways.
Advice: Encourage your single friends to break their molds without pressure (not simply to meet others); reminding them that God can cause them to meet their mate however He wants.
1. When are YOU gonna get married?
Finally, the phrase that was heard around the world. Or at least after most weddings, and in some churches' by zealous pastors. If I could count the number of times I have heard this question, I probably wouldn't know the number that follows that number. Yes...THAT many times! I mean, how does one even begin to answer this question?
"Um, in a year or so?",...
"Oh as soon as I catch a valid candidate & hoax him into marrying me", ...
"LOL, not any time soon it seems!"
Sometimes I just want to have a few token answers on board just to shock people. Instead, I coyishly laugh and silently wait for the awkward silence to fade and the subject to change. What I really want to say is "[heck] if I know!!!" You see, for most females, we don't even know IF they guy we are dating will propose or desire to be married. And many males (if they haven't done so already) may or may not be planning to marry the girl they're currently dating. Point being, its a question loaded with pressure and it's simply the kind of pressure no single wants. It rings (no, not the kind you put on ones finger) ...IN THEIR HEADS, long after the event has ended and the person who jokingly started the conversation has walked away. It taunts us at every wedding, and engagement party. It is annoyingly awaiting us at every family gathering and reunion (should we show up with no significant other). And we loathe it! So stop!
Advice: Very simple- Don't ask!
Okay, real talk, here are the most ideal ways of helping your single friends:
1. Find out how we're doing in the area of 'waiting'. Ask genuine questions just to allow us to vent. Then leave it at that. Give advice if its asked for.
2. Let us know, candidly, that marriage is no 'beginning of a fairy tale and thus life'. Often times helping us see that marriage can ALSO be filled with disagreements and tension, tough conversations and sacrificial compromises will help sober the commercialized mentality that marriage is, 24-7, filled with hopeless romance. Take the pressure off.
3. Help us see that we are exactly where we need to be in life and like in all things (especially marriage), God desires that our eyes and trust be fixed on Him! Once that feat is conquered, even a marriage that seems like hell, can be faced with peace!
Although empathy (remembering what your single days were like) can be the great leveler; just simple compassion can go a long way. Words do have power, and often times a good intended word may be laced with the very powder than can cause a destructive blow.
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