Beauty for Ashes...

I've always heard scriptures about how 'God cares for the orphan and widow'. I never really paid them any attention except for the occasional silent sigh of compassion that would quickly rush over my heart. I figured God is caring and He probably does have deep compassion on that group of people even more than those of us who DO have parents and those who are married.

When my dad passed away in May 2011 it served as a devistating blow to my family because we all knew him to be patiently vocal about his faith, passionate about history and very musically talented. But even moreso to my immediate family for all the obvious reasons of how hands on he was in fathering his children, loving his wife, protecting his daughters and keeping our family a tight unit.

But deeper within a bit of resentment towards God could have been found; how could you remove such a pillar of strength from our family? Someone my mother needed late at night, my brothers needed for an example of manhood, who my nephew and his future grandchildren wanted to build relationships with...and more personally, the one person who knew how to make me feel like his princess? Who was I supposed to go to for my car troubles and who would check out the men I decided to seriously date?

As I spoke more with my mother, I began to worry more: who would help her think through retirement? Who would she grow old with? Who would be her first line of defense with advice seeking? Who would help her with the intricate parts of raising her family and just day to day living?

Well not long afterl he passed, God began to demonstrate through small victories what He is capable of. The provision He is capable of, the healing He can do, the men He'd cause to step in & provide assistance with such minor issues as car trouble, the ministry He would birth through my mother's grief and men my brothers could become! Its' as if He used death to flex His strong arm in a different way.

Its safe to say, now I KNOW God cares for the widow...I'm watching Him do it, daily through my mother's life! Though issues and pain occurs in our lives, don't short change how God can use them to deepen your knowledge of Him & can don't underestimate the wooing factor it can have on a heart.
~Isaiah 61:3; Psalm 146:9

"Flag on the Play" - relationships Part II

Red flags, yellow flags, checkered flags...all kinds of flags are used in sports. Lets talk about some flags seen in relationships!

Yellow flags- penalty!!

This flag represents the violations that often arise yet we (as ladies) fail to acknowledge.
When a woman has no standards, its easy for her to miss the opportunity to throw the yellow flag when talking to or dating a guy of interest!

Standards are priorities, characteristics, negotiable and non-negotiable qualities you want someone to possess. Although we know and accept that no one is perfect, ladies we must be willing to have some standards and if we are interested in a relationship that will protect us, then I suggest those standards be above mediocre! When you step up to a roller coaster line that ensures maximum pleasure there is a height requirement. That standard is set so that the ride will be most enjoyable & safe for those who are above that standard. Our emotions, feelings and heart deserve to be protected.

So where do you get these standards? Well I think about what I deserve:
1. I'm a believer so he MUST understand and agree with my beliefs therefore be a believer himself. If God is most important to me, then the way I live will reflect that & I want to know he respects that and has that same expectation of himself. *non-negotiable* (not up for debate)
2. I keep friends around me who will tell me the truth about myself. He MUST do the same. If he isn't teachable, then he will be prideful and try to boss me around. That ain't okay! I must see that he allows his boys to correct, encourage him & know he does the same for them. That way I know he will be willing to do so to me in a loving manner. *non-negotiable*
3. I'd like him to be someone who spends time with his family, so I know that he values family. *negotiable* (I wouldn't turn down a man who didn't)

These are just a few things I look for based on past men in my life: great boyfriends, lousy boyfriends, qualities my grandfather, dad and uncle exhibit in their marriages; hanging around godly women who have been married for some time & observing their husbands.

I figure, if I know the homeade recipe & ingredients for an authentic Lousiana gumbo, then why go buy the imitation Zatarans version & expect it to be just as good? Ladies, I'm not saying look for a perfected man, I'm saying have standards (ingredients) that will bring a man who also has standards to you! Choosing to be with someone with major character flaws, will bring major relationship issues!

Red Flags- Challenge!!

This flag represents when our standards or boundaries are challenged! Can't throw the flag if the standard or boundary isn't there. Now, while a standard is a precedent that you look for in others, a boundary is what you use to protect yourself from your own weaknesses. For example, I'll share one boundary I kept for a long period of time during dating. Don't trip, its a bit extreme but it was necessary.

My Boundary- So I decided for some years that I didn't want guys in my apartment. This included guys I dated and ones I didn't. I felt like it protected my integrity as well as my desire to have sex. If men were coming in and leaving my apartment all the time, people could talk and easily peg me as a 'slut'. As far as guys i'm dating, well my attraction to them might lead us to that whole 'one thing led to another' type-situations.
Guys didn't like it; my girlfriends thought I was cray and everyone was clownin' me, but I kept it and it kept me (if you know what I mean). Kept me from being faced w/those hard decisions.

So when I dated a guy who violated or challenged MY decision/boundary ...I threw the RED FLAG! It meant that he wasn't willing to protect me as much as I was willing to protect myself. Listen...I heard this once:

"Marriage is the fence around sex (meant to protect it); if a guy isn't willing to acknowledge the fence while he's outside of it, then he won't be willing to respect the fence once he's INSIDE of it. Because to him, there IS NO FENCE!"

Yeah if he can't/won't respect the boundaries you set in place to protect yourself, then he's showing you he really doesn't respect YOU! Believe it or not, a REAL guy will respect a woman who respects herself.

Checkered flag/Green Flag - In the clear!

Now, when a guy has his own standards, meets yours and shows he will/can respect your boundaries..hey that's a green flag!

Like I said before, during those "cakin'" moments, late nights on the phone, & all day text messages be listening to the types of things he says, what he wants to talk about most, when you're serious - how does he respond? How does he treat his mother? How does he talk about his ex's? What habits seem to reoccur in his other relationships? How does he react to things that go wrong in his personal life? What's most important to him? Don't ask these questions, listen for the answers to surface over time.

This one guy I talked to was always talking about his past relationships didn't work out and how his physical involvement always played a role. As great as he seemed, he was telling me (unknowingly) that he likes to get physically involved w/his girlfriends. Well because I don't have that same standard, I chose to keep him in the friendship zone. He needed to know I was NOT about to be his next conquest in efforts to be a girlfriend. If remaining single was the price I had to pay for that decision, I deemed in worth it because in the long run, I'd save myself emotional attachment and damage.

 

In conclusion, pay attention to the flags, ladies!

Trust and Believe

Girls, girls, girls...let's chat!

Oh how I wish I could sit down with you and help you navigate the emotions that so easily lead you to:
1. Get with these foul dudes
2. Cause you to stay with a guy who clearly has other females
3. Make it impossible for you to leave a guy you THINK cares about you

In so many words, the THIRST is not THAT serious! Can I help you control the 'thirst'? Give me a few minutes and let me help you hone in on the God given instincts you have. The hidden wisdom you possess and tap into the worth you were richly given!

First of all lets talk about this worth you have. Like Keyshia says, "... you're a 10"!
Do you ever recall making something for your mom or dad or teacher and putting your heart and time into it? You know, that picture torn from that coloring book that you scribble with all your might? How about that drawing of your family that your loved ones posted on the refrigerator? Just think about that thing you created that you put your everything into and wanted someone to value it as much as you did. Well you, my dear, were created with such passion...if not more. You were beautifully and wonderfully made; unique in design and shape! Everything about you from your personality to your physique was intended and purposeful! Your worth is far above that of gold or sterling silver & more costly than diamonds or Marc Jacobs bags. If you don't realize that and protect that, you won't allow a guy who shows interest in you, treat you as such.

Second, allow the value of that worth cause you to set some standards for yourself. If you purchased a Coach purse from the outlet & you knew the value and cost you paid for it, you wouldn't sit that bad boy on the back of a chair, nor would you leave it unattended. You certainly wouldn't let a friend borrow it (especially before YOU had a chance to rock it). There would be some definite 'boundaries' you'd put around the carrying and handling of your bag. The same applies for your heart which bottles your emotions. Use present and past relationships; those stories your friends share with you; the qualities of your faithful father, or amazing big brother to decide what qualities you're looking for in a guy who deserves you. With that...what qualities do you NOT deserve? There are ways you don't deserve to be treated and you should establish that and stick to it!

Finally, give things time to brew! Some of the best food, drinks, songs, and just things in general happen due to time. When you find yourself interested in a guy, before you decide on a relationship or find yourself  'caught up', allow your daily "cakin" to listen to him. Listen to what's important to him based on what he talks about the most. What habits does he have? Does he make you a priority or an option? Does he talk about you to his boys or even want you around? Does he find himself unable to be completely honest with you? Time will give you signs of his character. Time will tell whether he understands and values your worth.

Then, you should make a head decision (not 'follow your heart') as to whether he is worth your time, emotions and attachment. Without these things in place, you are subject to fall for the same old guys, traps, deception and games. As long as you are willing to be strung along...he will do JUST THAT! As long as you are easily played...he will shamelessly play you.

But a confident, secure woman...will attract a man who knows her worth and treats her as such!
Guys aren't solely responsible for our demise...we often play ourselves & let our emotions misguide us first!