My living sacrifice keeps crawling off the altar

Can I just be real? I've been really dealing with God on some life stuff lately and I just wanna share it, ok? You know that scripture about presenting your life as a living sacrifice? Well I mentally agree with the idea of 'laying down' my life, but when the rubber hits the road, that thing just keeps crawling off the altar! What do I mean?

So lately I've been addicted to trying to defeat this new app game called 2048. Although I understand the gist of the game, my calculated movements are often blurred by the random tiles that show up and the frustrating fact that I can't control where those tiles will pop up. Once they appear, I am confident in my ability to do something purposeful with it, but where they will originate from, is out of my control.

 

I've always struggled with the verse in Proverbs 16 about how we can plan out our lives, but God will have the final say (vs 1, 9). To me, why in the world would I want to go through the headache of planning out my life in a wise, detailed manner only to have God step in and decide He wants to go another direction with it? It's like a waist of time. Why read books about how to make wise choices with who I date and build up an image of the type of godly man I desire to marry, only to end up falling in love with someone who God plans on using my marriage to grow that person into who he should be? Why work diligently at necessary degrees to build a financial secure life, only to be overtaken by passion that leads me into a professional path that doesn't offer much financial security at all? What's the purpose?

 

Well I can't say I'm completely done with this struggle, nor can I say that I understand God's ways completely, but one thing I'm learning is not to argue His method. Much like with friendships, He has taught me that holding people with a closed fist (holding on tightly to relationships) is unwise as He is able to remove them or allow them only for a season.

In this same way, I must hold the components of my life loosely before Him. My plans, my dreams, my desires and goals...they can be thoughtfully planned, but to grow so attached to them that I leave no room for His move and authority is unwise. For at anytime, He may decide to change the course of my life and I must trust that His plan is much better than my own.


So I guess I sort of get it. I know the goal in life is to connect the "tiles" God has given me for His purpose. I realize that I cannot take charge of my own life (Jer. 10:23) as I cannot determine where the "tiles" will come from, nor what the end will be like, but I am charged with using wisdom to manipulate the 'tiles' I am given, in a calculated manner. Where does this leave me?

Unsure of whether the kind of romance and future relationship I desire will occur, but knowing that when I ask for wisdom, He will give it freely (James 1:5). I may not have the professional career I planned out, but I love what I do each and every morning I wake up and God gives me wisdom on how to manage the gifts He's blessed me with as a result. For now, I live grateful but I'm much more conscious when I sing "..my life is NOT my own, to YOU I belong, I give my self...to You!"

Who plays your instrument?

In middle school, I was a part of the orchestra as a student of the cello! I absolutely loved playing that instrument because it was so unique. I enjoyed using the bow as well as plucking songs (like a guitar). It 's voice held that of an alto sound with a range that it made very much resemble my own vocal placement in choir.

What I liked most is that I could understand the instrument in a fashion that made me such a poised player. I frequently won first chair in our weekly competitions and to accompany that I had various UIL medals to showcase as well. My futile attempt to play a wind instrument (like the flute and clarinet) was catastrophic and inevitably what led me away from band and towards the orchestra! I couldn't grasp the method of how to control blowing into the reeds in such a way to produce a melodious tune. Instead, every sound that left the instrument was never a sound at all, it was more like that annoying noise the TV used to make when it "went off" around midnight! LOL

Romans 6:13 reads:
"...you must not give sin a vote in the way you conduct your lives. Don’t give it the time of day. Don’t even run little errands that are connected with that old way of life. Throw yourselves wholeheartedly and full-time—remember, you’ve been raised from the dead!—into God’s way of doing things. Sin can’t tell you how to live. After all, you’re not living under that old tyranny any longer. You’re living in the freedom of God." [MSG]

In other words, when we (who are instruments of God), allow the world (others, our own selfish desires, sin, etc.) to control or steer us, we act as instruments. We let sin blow into us, thus emitting a gut wrenching, unbearable noise that is catastrophic to the ears.

But when we allow God to bow and pluck our instruments (leading and guiding us, telling us how to think, feel and live), we produce melodies that resound in an ensemble of glory to God. This symphony, inevitably draws a crowd who desires to take in such a beautiful sound.

Favor Ain't Fair!

"Favor ain't fair, honey!" I can hear the radical believers chanting as they run around the church! The excitement is spurred by a hope and longing for God to 'rain down' His favor on their lives. You know, favor...that brand new car; that promotion at their job; that increase in salary or "blessing of a house"! Something to bring them out of the 'lowly' state they were once in. Something to pacify the longing for 'things' in our lives and somehow fill the void thus eliminating our problems. Favor-also known as "blessing".

After all, Christians aren't supposed to struggle, go without, or be anything but financially well off and wealthy, right? And while YOU may be doing well, I'm praying God's favor on MY life; for if He so chooses to rain down said blessings on me in this season (and somehow decide not to do so for you)...well..."Honey, favor ain't fair!" (boastfully said). *shaking my head* FALSE!!!

A Pastor, Friend opened up the latter portion of 1 Peter 2 and I noticed how God's favor was lavished freely on those who committed themselves to suffering.

• Your government, leaders, bosses, administrators, and authorities - regardless of how 'off the chain' they may behave...do what's right, don't retaliate and what's more.. HONOR THEM!
• Don't just follow them if they're good...even if they're unreasonable and partial (unfair)...HONOR THEM!!
• When you finally do everything right and you're unjustly blamed for doing something wrong...STILL HONOR THEM!

You see, no one wants to run around church and scream and shout for unfair punishment. No one wants to boast about how they're boss has a crude tongue and promotes everyone else BUT them! Who wants to brag about how they uphold integrity every time they clock in, while their co-worker is stealing from 'the Man' and yet THEY get docked? But Matthew 5:1-12 calls "Blessed" those who aren't exactly receiving these "things". So what IS blessed after all?

But in this passage God says you find favor with Him when you suffer despite doing what's right and endure this type of suffering, patiently! This is the favor He longs to give; one accompanied by suffering for His sake. Things might not even be attached to this favor. This favor may not yield physical or tangible results.

So then, are the things He allows us to attain blessings or burdens? Are they allowed with the intention of us sharing with others and with the hope that they won't draw us farther from Him? Do they give us peace or a sense of comfort? Can we thank God for them? Yes, but should we call it favor or blessings? I'm not so sure; for what about those Christians who are suffering for His Name's sake? Those in other countries who are faithful, yet their reward isn't the wealth as the world sees it?

So, is favor really fair? Well maybe not in the since that many view it, but it seems that it isn't fair that God would allow us to go through suffering before He bestows favor on us. But in all fairness, the fact that we get to share in His suffering IS IN FACT, favor. And aside from that, GOD IS a fair/just God. He isn't partial (doesn't play favorites). So to Him, favor is on HIS terms...and that's fair!

All aboard!

One of my peeves (and I'm sure I'm not alone in this) is getting caught by a train when I'm in a rush headed somewhere. What's worse is when I catch the front part of the train; you know the part where the red/white crossing guard rails lower and the engine to the train comes roaring by.

This is the most crucial part because the entire time, what I'm really waiting for is the wonderful feeling I get when the caboose (or last car) is in sight, signaling the END of such a torturous wait.

Symbolically, in my life, I've been witnessing this same paralyzing (yet timeless) truth. The irony in the gap between what I know and how I feel and the painful wait that lies between that gap.

The other day, I had to pray about an issue I was dealing with and although I KNOW that God knows what's best for me; I KNOW that His desires for me are better than the things I claim I want; I BELIEVE He is in control of my future pertaining to this situation, I still wanted to pray for what I wanted. And (honestly) I still did. But tears came flowing as I closed my prayer with words similar to Jesus', "....its not about what I want,...do whatever you see best for me."

Why the waterworks? Well because although my mind knew all of those things about God's best, His ways being better than my own and all of the things I've learned about trusting His way, my feelings and emotions just weren't there yet. You see, the engine of a train pulls and drives the speed, direction and actions of the train, while the caboose comes along much later and really has no bearing on those elements. However, we find ourselves very much driven by our emotions and even guilty of making decisions based on our feelings. A mentor once spoke such wise words to me when she said, "Kim, don't allow your feelings (the caboose) to lead your train." In other words, lean and depend on the WORD that you have hidden in your heart, your feelings will eventually catch up later. There is a great gap that lies between the truth of God's word (what we know) and how we feel about it. Don't allow your feelings to lead your decisions. Let truth rule!

I'm not sure when my feelings in this situation will line up, but for now, I feel like I'm sitting at the crossing guard rails of a train, while I wait for God's word to reveal itself in my life. And it will! Once it does, I know that my feelings will get on board and I'll be ready to move to the next 'trial' in my life, only to be tested with trusting God yet again!

~Be encouraged!

A mistake? Or for His Name sake?

Growing up my mom bought me a play computer that taught typing games. Being the nerd that I am, I would sit in the backseat on road trips and use the typing book, position my fingers and complete typing games trying to beat my high score. This resulted in a love for typing. The great thing about typing is regardless of how fast I type, the backspace button was built in for my mistakes. The creator of the keyboard foreknew and thus planned for mistakes. I love this!

Are you ever pricked by the thorns in your life? Taunted by the mistakes you've made; so much so that you believe that a mistake in your past has kept you from achieving a desired outcome or goal?

I've made plenty of mistakes I often mentally revisit and grieve over. I don't dwell on them too long because I'm aware of my forgiven state and how mercifully God has casted those things as far as the east is from the west, but during those brief moments I'm pricked. I begin to wonder whether or not those mistakes prevented me from experiencing a particular blessing or missing a specific opportunity. Just before it begins to worry me, I snap out of it, but not before the thought of whether that opportunity will present itself again, lingers.

Then I begin to think about Moses in the Old Testament; he murdered a man and despite the insecurity this brought him when asked by God to complete a huge task, it didn't prohibit God from asking Him. Why? Because it was in his destiny/plan for his life that he partake in the delivering of God's people from Egypt. Shortly after his mistake or maybe even for years after, he too may have wondered if he missed his purpose in life. Whether or not he passed the opportunity to marry someone, or should have given up his royal status. It wasn't until he ran into the burning bush that he discovered his purpose and realized that his mistake was all calculated into the plan.

^" Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tried and chosen you in the furnace of affliction. For My own sake, for My own sake, I do it [I refrain and do not utterly destroy you]; for why should I permit My name to be polluted and profaned [which it would be if the Lord completely destroyed His chosen people]?" ~Isaiah 48:10-11 [amplified]

 

While it may be true that your mistake delayed your goal or even diverted your plan, the truth is God already pre-calculated your mistake into His plan for your life. Be encouraged that though we (His children) suffer consequences for our mistakes, those mistakes are like refiners fire...capable of manipulation in the Master's hand. He uses and pre-calculates our fallen nature and its capabilities into His grand plan for one purpose only...that His reputation might be credited. Isaiah says he keeps our mistakes from destroying us, because He desires (as an end result) that it lead to testimony of His goodness!

Speed Demon

Driving with my mom to Dallas this weekend, I was riding cushy in the drivers seat of the new Camry she rented. I must admit the luxury feel of the car and the open road had me feeling some kind of way about my Corolla. Trade in? I don't know but that bad boy rode so smooth. Before I knew it I had easily cruised up to about 90mph on accident. I caught myself and quickly slowed down. After all "the block was hot" (cops were on the prowl).

About 45 minutes into our trip, I realized I was in the passing (left) lane and it occurred to me that I prefer the left lane because I'd rather NOT be behind other people when I'm driving. I hate the feeling of being constrained to go as slow as they may be traveling. I find it hard to bring myself to contently drive in the right lane behind other drivers, even if it is AT THE SPEED LIMIT! I've been aware of my slight case of road rage (I may be in subtle denial) but I was keenly aware of my "heavy foot" at this moment.

Upon this realization, I committed myself to move to the right lane and control my speed by submitting to the freedom of the other limits of the speed. So I began driving behind an SUV that was coasting along at a comfortable speed. Rather than getting impatient, jumping into the passing lane and attempting to get as close to the maximum limit I could go, I just enjoyed the ride. As I passed 8 (count them) highway patrol officers pulling other vehicles over, I experienced the safety, freedom and lack of anxiety that comes with following the laws.

 This reality (and slight discomfort) woke me up to my own personal life. I often live in the "left lane" in life...preferring to make my own path and not be confound to the pace of other people (even other Believers). Although I am committed to knowing God more by learning what He desires of me, my flesh (road rage) often encourages me to test the loving boundaries (speed limit) I find in His Word.

The Holy Spirit reminded me that He is the vehicle in the right lane that drives within the limits God has set and there is freedom, safety and no reason to fear chastisement (being pulled over) when I am willing to submit myself to contently drive behind Him. Allowing Him to control my pace takes a commitment to patience, self-control and submission but I can truly enjoy the life God has purposed for me (the ride) if I do so.

"I’ll put my Spirit in you and make it possible for you to do what I tell you and live by my commands." ~Ezekiel 36:27

Allergic Reaction

Our Immune system is an amazing mechanism. It's hand crafted and personally designed to detect damaging agents that can attempt to destroy our bodies, and try to fix or ward off against them.  Allergens are the little agents that infiltrate our bodies (whether by food, inhalation or skin contact). It's simply a substance recognized by the body's immune system.

Allergic attacks that you and I experience are simply a sensitivity to these allergens. Allergens such as peanuts, perfume and pollen aren't bad in and of themselves, but how our bodies react or respond to them is vital. During my allergy attacks, my sight is blurred, my senses are down, and I'm not myself.

Emotions are real. The way we are designed internally is not a mistake. It's hand crafted and "perfect".

'You are fearfully and wonderfully made, Your works are wonderful..." ~Psalm 139:14

Naturally, our pride tries to ward off against any 'allergens' that attempts to attack our emotions. Allergens often present themselves through people who enter our lives and even the ways we are treated by people who interact with us. People and their behaviors (in and of themselves) aren't necessarily harmful. He knows and understands that people can and will do things that will trigger our emotions. How we respond to these "allergens" is what we should be watchful of.

I'm the kind of person who gets all in my feelings. I start feeling some kind of way when people

either do things to me or walk out of my life (intentionally or unintentionally). I can easily go through a roller coaster of emotions within the span of a few hours by simply playing out in my head how wrong they were and how sorry they'll be for treating me the way they did. They may never know I felt mistreated by them, nor realize what they've done was offensive to me. Like my immune system, my defenses activate and I immediately try to protect myself from these allergens.

I get moody, I shut down, I ignore. Just as passive aggressive as I want to be! I'm not sure how you react to these types of behaviors, but our reaction to circumstances is critical because God has purpose in everything that He both DOES and ALLOWS. I've learned that it's selfish of me to internalize the words and deeds of other people; prideful even, to believe that I'm at the center of every persons actions. There's a much bigger picture at stake. Love is that picture. It's the purpose.

"A sound mind makes for a robust body, but runaway emotions corrode the bones." Proverbs 14:30

Emotions can distract us from the purpose. I'm learning that people will make their decisions, but that doesn't give me reason to respond from my emotions.  People have a right to leave our lives, and if so, then they were there for a greater reason and I should seek what was meant to be learned. My emotional fluctuation is as detrimental as an allergy attack because it can blur my purpose to love others uncompromisingly. 1 Corinthians 7 admonishes us to manage our emotions and desires.

So what Zyrtec am I allowing to infiltrate my spiritual system? I reflect on how strategically God loves on me despite how frequently I mistreat and 'abandon' Him. This antihistamine prompts me to jump out of my feelings; it clears up my sight and it allows me to see the immediate purpose of the situation- LOVE.