I don't need Jesus to be black or white...

In the last week, race related riots have brought together the 50 states like never before; and simultaneously caused a poignant protests in the form of a social media feed black out with every upward finger swipe. In the midst of this, it grieves me to see certain exchanges between "professed Believers".


Posts that somehow use the alleged historically & researched based color of Jesus' skin or even the Jewish ethnicity and economic humanity with which He Sovereignly chose to wrap His Deity; as a means to stand on either side of these race related riots.


I don't know about you, but I don't need Jesus to be a Euro-looking figure with a circular halo, looking up with a radiant beam reflecting off of his forehead.


I also don't even need a silky-dark headed (or gray natural headed for that matter), full lipped Jesus that hangs in the hallways of Big Mama's house.







I certainly don't need the Jesus that our culture uses to defend our limited knowledge and skewed wisdom. 




I need the Jesus who "doesn't have an impressive form or kingly majesty that we should look at him, nor appearance that we should desire him" (Isaiah 53:2). Why? Because when every person, every institute, every thing I proudly look towards or vainly place hope in (to impress me) actually fails me (and they will), then I'm left only to look into the piercing and passionate eyes of One who desires me even when I didn't desire Him. He knew I would need to choose to follow someone everyone else didn't want to follow.

Yes, I need the Jesus who "was despised and rejected by men, a man of suffering...like someone people turn away from...don't value..." (Isaiah 53:3). Why? Because when the sins I so inevitably will commit (even when my intentions are seemingly right) hurt the people that will lay in the wake of my failures and those around me, reject me (yes, the very ones who pledged sincere friendship); I'll need someone who has felt rejection to scoop me from the ashes of my tears and restore me by reminding me that nothing in my life is wasted and my value comes from Him. 

Is the color that so easily blinds, fading into the background as a more humble albeit somewhat hideous image forms? No? Well, stay with me...

I need the Jesus who "himself bore my sickness, carried my pain, received deep piercings for my rebellion, endured crushing blows for my short comings, was punished for my peace, and wounded for my healing" (Isaiah 53:4-5). 

Why? Because often times I proudly walked around under the guise of being "fine" when really, sickness (in the form of rebellion, pride and lust) like the vapes of carcinogens, toxicants and metals lie dormant in me, doomed to spread like a cancer and leave me collapsed. I'll need someone willing to carry the pain that comes from my guilt, someone to exchange the depression and addiction I'm so susceptible to, for peace and healing. 

It's funny how we claim to be "so strong" yet daily, death shows us just how weak we truly are.
He knew He would need to look so disfigured that I would see the love on His face for me some 2,000 years later and I'd realize that "death is MY weakness, NOT HIS" (Isaiah 53:11-12 MSG).

I need the Jesus who "didn't speak, never opened His mouth while being beaten and punished." I need the Jesus who was "treated unjustly, roughly, in an unfair manner though He did nothing wrong." (Isaiah 53: 8-9). 

Why? Because this Jesus will be able to look beyond the color of skin, clearly pierce through the shades of grey and rightly judge all who treat others in an unfair manner while avenging any and all who are unjustly treated. And I cannot play the victim; for in my humanity I have both done others wrong and been done wrong. 

So I need the Jesus that "God was pleased to severely crush", because THIS is the Jesus who will "justify many (namely me) and will carry their iniquities (which I stand in need of)" (Isaiah 53:11-12).

I need the grace & love to speak up and speak out against injustice, with the same mercy and grace that God gave me for my own injustices towards Him. We can only find that, in Jesus (the Christ).

What's your Pandemic Narrative?

I'm pretty sure COVID-19 wasn't on anyone's vision board for 2020.
And i'm quite certain that at some point in the last few years, COVID-19 was never on anyone's list of long or short term goals.

While this pandemic has caught so many of us off guard, I find solace in the truth that nothing catches God off guard. That from the beginning of the world, He's been overseeing time, looking into our future and making plans to draw people to Himself.

What might be helpful to also meditate on (besides God knowing a virus would interrupt our normal patterns as we know it), is that He's a Master in using chaos, trouble, turmoil and disruptions...to develop, create, adjust and transform our lives into exactly what He has planned for us.

So, here are some things to learn from this Pandemic:

1. Be careful of placing your hope in temporal things-
>Someone wise once told me that people who come into our lives should be held with an open palm. They can be with us for a reason, a season or a lifetime. In case they are with us for the first two (reason or season), it's imperative we don't allow ourselves to get too attached that we cannot let them go when their reason or season expires.

The same principle applies to the thinking that we can get up and go to the beach tomorrow. The bible says, we aren't certain of what tomorrow holds. So we should say, "if the Lord wills", meaning we can make our plans but don't too tightly to them because He has the power, and right to determine what tomorrow will be like. Should we become too attached to our plans, not leaving room for His plans, then we aren't prepared to adjust in a healthy manner.

2. Your job/career isn't what provides for/sustains you-
>Growing up, I heard this statement several times but I never really understood in experience what it meant. That is, not until I was placed in a few situations throughout my adult life where I was unable to provide for myself and experienced my needs being met in ways I couldn't control nor predict.

Several people have shared how their jobs have been lost, or their spouses' jobs lost. It's a daunting feeling to not know where your next paycheck will come from or to be at the end of your savings. But it's a freeing feeling to know that the Creator of all things, the Owner of 'the cattle on a thousand hills", the Maker of people, the One who promotes...that same God who creates, owns, and makes also meets your needs!

3. Life is fragile 
>Tell those you love, that you love them. Check on people. So many lives are lost in situations like this and while many are due to the pandemic, others might not be. But being isolated makes it more difficult to grieve loss. Having an understanding that like things, people can be here today and gone tomorrow causes us to be live and love with intention.

4. We are weak, susceptible beings
>It amazes me that we often give off this persona that we are strong, tough and nothing affects us. When in actuality something so microscopic (almost invisible) is able to bring us to our knees. It's a great visual of just how fragile we are as human beings. How much IN NEED we are. In need of God's strength (to live in a way that pleases Him); in need of God's forgiveness to understand how to give grace and forgiveness to others; in need of a Savior who loves us so deeply that He gave His life to make us at peace with God. This love that will help us love the most unloveable people in the most unlikely of situations.

It reminds me of Paul's words, "I boast in my weakness, because it is THEN that I am truly strong."
And finally, probably the most exciting thing we learn from all of this...

5. God delights in using troubles for testimonies 
>I might not be the popular for saying this but i'm foremost guilty of it.
On social media I see a lot of people stating how 2020 has ruined things.
Birthdays. Travel Plans. Just to name a few...
But the perspective is wrong if we feel that our 'temporal plans' are the only important thing here. Yes, with a limited range of sight, watching schools get cancelled, our favorite spa close down is a bit traumatic. But we (Believers) are seated in Heavenly places (Ephesians 2:6) and so our mind is supposed to be on things above.

Things like, what could God be wanting to do in our lives as a result of this Pandemic?
What might be the significance in social distancing, attending church services from home, being home with our kids and spouse for longer hours?
How might the Lord be using this quarantine, pandemic season for His glory...and for our good?
If we truly believe He is able to do exceedingly, abundantly, above and beyond all we could ever ask or think; is it possible that He plans to send answers to your prayers by way of this Pandemic?
Or are we wired to believe that blessings only come packaged in brown boxes and dropped off at our door step by a person in a navy blue truck with PRIME written across the sides?

Israel will tell you that their prayers were heard for a "deliverer", during years of captivity.
Ruth will tell you that provision was made for her due to the loss of her husband.
Joseph will tell you that he had the wisdom to oversee countries because of his time served in a well, and a prison (unjustly).
So what will YOUR story be? What will you tell your friends, kids and grand kids about what God did during or because of COVID? Change the narrative!

Destined Delays

The more I grow into this "faith" I claim to have, the more I learn not to despise my delays.

Years ago (almost a decade, I'm sure), I heard a story about how someone was frustrated because they could not find their keys as they were rushing to leave the house. The story goes on to explain the hastiness with which the person tore up their house looking for their keys and the time that transpired as a result. When the frantic person in the story finally happened upon their keys and in exhaustion, exited the house, they soon found out that a tragic accident had occurred on their daily route around the same time they would have arrived at that very intersection. The moral of the story was to conclude that the person was actually "saved" from the accident and the resulting traffic by the misplaced key search.

As a visual learning, it goes without saying that I gleaned a lot from the story and my temperament towards scheduling and timeliness was somewhat hushed. But this only meant that in the back of my mind, I was able to place a visual with scripture I'd formally read on learning to wait on God's timing  (Psalm 27:7) and not being so adamant about things precisely going MY way (Isaiah 55:8-9). However, this didn't mean that certain situations still didn't test my temperament.

This summer, as I arrived in New York, eager to explore a city that has long been on my bucket list; I was met with a particular delay that rubbed me the wrong way.

First, I typically book a round trip shared shuttle from the airport to my hotel (when I travel) using a specific, reliable company. This time, I was prompted to use a more local and reasonably priced company and so I did.

Second, I am pretty organized even when I'm traveling for leisure. I'm aware of my surroundings; well studied on what to do and where to go, so I don't have to depend on locals (who may or may not try to hustle me); and I try to schedule everything purposefully. So I was certain all of MY bases were covered.

Finally, I had booked my entire trip using a 2nd party vendor, which meant that everything had been paid for and could NOT be cancelled.

However, what I did NOT calculate was that New York was hosting a pretty large festival in their downtown area, which would cause delays in my transportation.

Sure enough, my app was telling me that my driver would be arriving in 15-20 minutes; but the airport was saying 30-45 min. Not a problem; I could be patient and wait (after all, my phone needed to charge). Convenient for me.

However as the hour rounded, I got a little anxious and began pacing. No driver in sight and my app was now saying that the driver should be arriving "soon"...and it said that for the next 15 minutes. Not so convenient anymore. After pacing, a lady caught the message on my t-shirt (which read, "I love Jesus and naps") and waved me over to her. She lovingly proclaimed that things like this happen for a reason and not to worry because I would get to my destination when I was supposed to get there. She finished her encouraging words with the following phrase which left me humbled, "I know you understand this because it's our faith that gets us through times like these, right?"

I was stunned. She used my shirt to identify that I was a fellow "sister-in-Christ" (much like ancient Christians who drew a fish in the sand to identify each other and offer support) and then used that as an opportunity to remind me of the 'work' that is supposed to be coupled with my faith (James 2:20). I smiled before hugging her and thanking her for reminding me of what I should have been practicing- the art of waiting. Not too much longer after our exchange and  a brief but sweet conversation; the airport personnel informed us that due to a NYC festival, our transportation would be delayed at least another 45 min and that we could wait or cancel (and find alternate means of transportation).

After this news, I hailed an Uber and on the drive into Manhattan, proceeded to not only get a refund from the company but also locate on the map where we were in relation to my hotel. During this Google Map search, I uncovered an issue. My hotel had been reserved through my Expedia account did NOT match the hotel that was pulling up under my shuttle booking. There had been a mistake and my precise "calculated" travel self had not caught it until now. And truthfully, had I not been in an Uber (but rather on a shared shuttle) I would NOT have caught it.

I quickly spoke up to my Uber driver and made him aware of the problem, to which he quickly rerouted his GPS and dropped me off at the correct location. As the car rounded the final block to the hotel, I meditated on the irony of the entire situation.

Yes, I had to wait an extended hour at the airport, but had the situation not worked out as it did...
1. I would have never been reminded of God's omniscience by a former Believer (whom I believe God used, to calm my anxious spirit).
2. I would have never stumbled upon the mistake; which would have led to me being taken to the wrong hotel and required to walk to the correct one (seeing that the shared shuttle company had to consider/accommodate several other guests).
3. I would NOT have arrived at my hotel as quickly (typically shared shuttles visit SEVERAL hotels on their route, thus delaying arrival even more).
4. I would not have added to my faith arsenal the importance of God's timing and ways.

Whether it's a travel hiccup like mine, or a life altering situation that rears in the form of career/job, relationship, family, prayer, ministry, finances or otherwise; remember that God allows delays. He often uses them to carve out a destiny He already has set for your life. Rather than despise them, let them ruminate and try to glean what the lesson(s) might be for you. Try to catch, even, the beauty in their occurrence and timing. Often they're divinely created to HELP you, rather than HINDER you!

When a longing is fulfilled

In my book, I talk about different types of #HopeDeferred seasons (including my own).

But one that I hold near & dear to my heart is that of my best friend (Kathryn...aka Kitty) & her husband. For 15yrs they've prayed for a child. She & I have had several conversations, spoken many prayers & shed many tears since that day they found out they could not conceive. It's difficult to conceive going through life doing things God's way because you desire to please Him and yet finding out one of your deepest longings can't be fulfilled.

So she & her husband sought other paths and played emotional tag (during some seasons he wanted to adopt, she couldnt accept it bc of her faith God would provide; during other seasons, she accepted the idea of adoption while he despised it). Finally the season came & they both were on the same page; what's more...one of her own former students (whom she grew fond of as an educator) was up for adoption along with her 2 siblings. The two took their shot & were prime candidates. It was their time! Until the grandma rejected it & their door closed. Then, months later a new mom picked my friend and her husband to be the parents of her child but upon giving birth, changed her mind.

Finally, my friends decided to leave adoption alone and while numerous emails & calls inundated them, they chose not to return them so their file closed.
It was then, that a random, different situation arose and the lady involved immediately thought of Kitty and she decided to reach out to the couple. Something told them, to answer this call (even though their file had been closed for some time).

15yrs of waiting, crying, praying, fasting, pleading, seeking, knocking & hoping; 15 yrs of wanting to do it Gods way was met with a swift move of God. A move that Kitty & her husband can take no credit for. A move that has God all in the details of their prayer requests. Trusting God might not get you quick results...but you'll watch Him grow your spiritual fruit, strengthen your heart for Him, and see how well He listens to the details of your desires and flexes his ability to exceed your expectations.

This is what Hope Deferred is all about. Proverbs says while it can make our hearts sick, we can find a fulfilled longing that is a tree of life! Grab my book & read about how to trust God in such a season!

2018: Speed Dating

As I walked into the house our family chose to celebrate Thanksgiving in, I longed to see my grandmother sitting with her sisters around the table sipping coffee (as is their tradition each year). I rounded the corner, and sure enough (although my grandmother has more than 10 siblings) I saw her sitting with only 2 of her sisters. As I walked over to give them all a hug the first thing I heard was the question every single person (who never brings a significant other to family gatherings) dreads hearing,

"So are we dating anyone?"

No -"Hey Kim, nice to see you! You look so pretty, just like your mother."

No- "Hey Kim, we've missed you! How are things going for you?"

Nope, just right to the hum-dinger; straight gut punch. Right for the jugular! So, of course, despite the secret fear that I had let them down, I replied in my best upbeat and optimistic tone- "no, I'm not!"

To which they added,..."not yet!" I flashed my fake smile and found other relatives to greet. 

Only 3 hours later did I run into a handful of my other great-aunts and one of them pulled me close giving me the biggest and warmest hug and immediately asked, "So there's no one special in your life, yet?" I thought this had to be a joke. Seriously? Is this what older women want for all of their precious grands and great grands? Surely there's more they pray and dream about for us. But after my response this time, I assured her that it wasn't as if I hadn't gone on several dates or had no suitors- but that I simply hadn't been found by the one my heart loves.

Yes, 2018 has been quite the "speed dating" adventure. No, I didn't actually speed date, but I certainly accepted quite the number of offers this year (more than the usual because I've been type-cast as being too picky and I'm trying to give bruhs a chance). 

Going out on dates teaches us a lot about our hearts. It not only shows us who we truly are, but it also tells us a story about what we value and how much we value ourselves.

Who we truly are-

I try not to hold anything against the guys I reject, because often times its truly me. One date I had this year, was exceptionally handsome and I knew within seconds that if he even hugged me, it would be the end of my purity walk (shade me if you must)- I'm just being real. Being around him brought out every suppressed lustful bone in my body and I was quite self aware. Needless to say, I had to end things after our first date because his advances were quite strong and I simply did not trust myself around him. I learned (or better yet was reminded) that while I'm grateful that by God's grace I've been able to walk in purity, that does not mean that I don't deeply long to satisfy myself more than I desire to please God, at times.

What we value-

Sometimes I have a mental idea of the type of guy that will thoroughly impress me. But that mental list can easily get mixed with the type of man my heart longs to court. Here's what I mean. In my heart there's really no list. I know I'll eventually connect with someone who sincerely loves God and walks humbly with Him, because that's who I am (and am daily becoming) at my core. But as a result of loving God, I also desire to serve in my church, along with other service related actions that might seem "religious". So sometimes when I notice a guy is involved in these "religious" acts, I assume I know what his heart is like. Well, I grew instantly attached to one of my 2018 dates because of the things he did; however, when I saw his true heart, my affections dwindled because no amount of his outward behaviors could cover for the degrading way he treated people. I learned about myself, that 'out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks' and I should value the hearts words just as much as its actions.

How much we value ourselves- 

Two of my 2018 dates were quite charming and yet somehow being around them I never really felt valued. With one, it was the the way I was spoken to (in a condescending manner for no reason) and with the other, I never really felt  I was being pursued. Blame my father, but he always called me his princess and taught me to be courted with great value. He took me on father-daughter dates growing up, showing me how attentive and respectful men should be to the woman they're interested in. After a week with one of my 2018 dates, I felt I could have treated myself to a better time. Being looked at with desire and asked about your day are the little things; being heard and treated as if your opinion matters, are simple things that go much farther than simple chivalrous tasks such as opening a door. This dates' actions were completely self-absorbed to the point he felt that the reward was being with him. I learned to never let anyone convince you that you deserve to be treated a certain way simply because that's how that person is. I'll never be ashamed of my expectations because God is in the business of going exceedingly above what we desire and expect. 

Turning 39 in a few days and still on the dating scene is somewhat un-conventional these days but it's a sweet (sometimes frustrating) adventure! One that often leaves me reflective and keeps me praying about my future! Nevertheless, I am content to leave the results in the loving, perfect hands of my Father who knows, better than I, what's best for me!

Rejection is a gift

It's all a matter of perspective.

Rejection can either be a crippling fear that causes people to run from the very things they dream of, or it can be a gift from God. But it cannot be both.

A majority of those who will read this blog post will connect with the notion that rejection (whether from people, a job interview, a sports team try-out, a home or car loan...I could go on) isn't only an initial fear that begins in the mind when the rubber is forced to meet the road; but would also testify to it's ability to breed a depression-like comatose disposition that prevents one from ever attempting to "try-try-again".

It begins when as a child, we discover a hidden talent and someone who adores us, encourages our gift and drops the first hint that we should "try-out" or "apply for" some organized group that cultivates said talent and/or encourages healthy competition around it. This same series of events occurs in early adulthood when we venture out for a job or fall in love and again later in adulthood when we attempt to invest in property.

Then the inevitable happens; pride is crushed when the door slams shut in our face. When our name doesn't occur on the list, we get the call that says someone else was chosen, when he or she says we just aren't what they were looking for or when the person behind the desk says we were denied. Sometimes these slammed doors come as a complete surprise, but for anyone who has been living for some time, it might have been such a repetitive habit, that the slammed door is anticipated.

If half of us were completely honest, we'd agree that after so many closed doors, we tend to not get our hopes up (despite the encouragement from our friends and loved ones) because we've become so accustomed to the cycle, that we believe it's our fate in life.

But again, this is only one vantage point (although it can be the most prominent one). If you've found yourself in any of the aforementioned scenarios, but also consider yourself a Believer, I'd like to submit another vantage point around rejection. The twelfth chapter of Romans challenges us to adopt a different mindset around the natural occurrences that happen in our fallen world.

So consider this:

• If Joseph hadn't been rejected by his brothers, he would have never ended up in the palace serving Pharaoh and eventually overseer of the land. 
• If Ruth hadn't faced initial rejection by her mother-in-law (Naomi who encouraged her to go the easy route), she would have never crossed paths with Boaz (who would later marry her and redeem her family). 
• If David hadn't been rejected (numerous times) by Saul, he would have never had a chance to trust God would make him King (in His own timing).

These are only a few instances of rejection in the Old Testament. Ironically, each of these persons not only faced rejection but these same rejection-based stories contributed to the lineage of Jesus. 

Now, with that in mind, consider that rejection can be a part of the divine purpose and will of God. 

• It can be that the closed door is the very protection He provides to shield us from self-destruction. 
• It can be that the closed door helps us see an open door that we might not have otherwise seen.
• It can be that the closed door gives us a chance to humble ourselves and seek His face.

In this respect, the closed door (rejection) is a gift!

What we cannot deny is the truth of God's promises. That He gives "good gifts" to His children; that He withholds no good thing from those who walk uprightly; and that He provides the desires of the heart that delights in Him [Matthew 7:11; Psalm 84:11; Psalm 37:4]. All of these promises are 'yea, and amen' (ie: true) regardless of rejection (or in light of).

So my charge to you is when the dark cloud of post-rejection depression moves in to dump its torrential rains on your disposition, submerge your mind in the refreshing downpour of God's truths that come from a heart that cares for you. Though our natural inclination is to submit to the natural feelings that accompany rejection, we must fight against the enemy's tactic and believe, instead, the report of the Lord (even if He hasn't shown the full report to you as of yet). 

Faith isn't a magic pill

Most of you know that almost a year ago, my family and I were displaced by Harvey. Long story-short, I stepped out on faith and decided to go from leasing to owning. I began the process to get approved (knowing that my credit was less than great) and before I knew it my pre-approval turned into full conditional approval! So, I began building a house (many of you saw pictures on Instagram (follow me: kim_lynnette)) that was expected to take 6 months to finish and so my closing date was scheduled for April 2nd (this coming Monday).

Well, by faith, I went about watching the house be built- checking on it every other day; began to look for furniture and truly getting attached to the house. More than just checking on the house, though, I prayed that the Lord would have His way and either shut down the entire process if it wasn't His will or would go above and beyond, exceeding my expectations (if it WAS). Each month, things got better and every day my prayers got deeper and more frequent. I was totally dependent upon His move in my life. I felt up against a rock and a hard place- no place to live (when His Word promises to meet our needs) and only 6 months until my house is finished being built. What's more? Nothing planned for if things were to go south. But I was super hopeful and while a nerve-wrecking process, it was also an enjoyable one!

Each and every day of the 6 months, I spent concentrated time with the Lord (ironically in Hebrews 11), seeking how I could extend my faith and demonstrate my complete trust in His Lordship. Each day was refreshing, full of reminders of how secure I was because of my willingness to trust Him. Each day was full of His promises such as "those who hope in the Lord, will never be disappointed" and countless stories of those who traversed the choppy waters of faith. The closer we got to closing, however, the less peace I felt about moving forward with this particular home I had grown somewhat attached to.

It didn't add up to me. If I had stepped out on faith, and pursued this home, why would God be asking me to give it up and walk away from it? Wasn't faith supposed to be catapulting me into the house, all while pouring out countless blessings? Why step out on faith (I wondered) if I would only be disappointed (which is ironically exactly what scripture said I would NOT be)?

I began to recount the handful of times in my life when I had made a monumental faith step. Each and every last one of them, God had superseded my expectations and come through in a mighty way. I was encouraged even more so to continue my trek but to also continue to pray and ask the Lord for wisdom. A few weeks before closing (on the home), I truly wasn't at peace with the decision and some calls from my loan officer confirmed that I did not need to go through with this contract. Just like that my faith was somewhat shattered and I felt disappointed for having believed this would cure my living situation.

Much like the story of Abraham who was promised that he would be given a seed through which his descendants would be blessed; after years of faithfully waiting and finally receiving his promise, he was asked to sacrifice it (kill it). As absurd as that thought and task was, Abraham had already gone through enough with God to know that walking by faith was a funny and risky thing. He figured if the same God who promised to bless his offspring through a son, must have had a miracle in mind if He was asking Him to give up the very thing He promised him. And so rather than having a shattered faith at having to give up his son, the scripture says, Abraham rose early and began the journey to the mountain to sacrifice him...and later, rose the knife to slay his only son. All acts of faith. It was then that God shared with Abraham that He could tell that his faith wasn't just a cliche or mere words in a song he sang; but that his faith was real.

A week before closing, I made the call that would somewhat devastate me and leave me temporary homeless- I told the loan officer that I was rejecting the offer on the home. I cannot say that I see where my faith step has led me, because just like countless others, I expected that this house would be my reward. But like Abraham, I've learned that walking by faith is not only what we are called to do, but is risky and uncertain business when dealing with God. Yet, one thing I trust and believe, is that God is the author of "ram in the bush" moments. And though I haven't seen mine, I must declare like Abraham that "the Lord himself, WILL provide..." and leave it at that.

No, faith did not give me the reward I thought it would, but that does not negate the fact that "the Lord rewards those who diligently seek Him" and that "without faith, it is impossible to please God". So I leave the results in His hands and trust His plan for my family. I hope to be able to soon share the blessing He has awaiting us; because He is faithful (even when we are faithless).

Callused to it...

Have you ever had a part of your body (feet, finger or hand) develop a callus? It can be an unsightly thing to behold and perhaps even an intriguing wound to pick at. That crazy obsession to peeling off layers of dead skin, only to discover your true skin lies beneath it. You might not even recognize that you have a callus until you realize you have lost feeling in that area of your body.

I've once played around with a callus on the bottom of my foot (sick, I know) by sticking a needle-like pin into the skin to see whether I could feel the prick. I tried tickling that portion of my foot to see whether it would evoke some type of laughter or giggling out of me and sure enough, it did not. So many layers of dead skin had piled up that I was completely unresponsive to just about anything that came in contact with the callus.

I was listening to James McDonald (as my routine each day on the way to work) one morning and he was speaking on Romans 6 and he came across verse 5 which says,

"If we shared in Jesus' death by being baptized, we will be raised to life with Him." (CEV)

Pastor James talked about how often we get excited about the fact that Jesus died to forgive us for our sins and how grateful we are for such a sacrificial act. And while that truth is freeing, what's more is that Jesus didn't just stay dead. He rose to conquer death and as an act that exemplifies the power we possess to live a life free from the very things he died for.

To bring that thought home, I thought about the things I personally struggle with. It's easy to tell a lie. It's even easier to justify a lie by saying there's no harm in a little "white lie" and thinking it won't hurt anyone. Prior to trusting Christ as my Savior, I was powerless when an opportunity to lie arose. Justifying it away proved that something in me knew it was wrong, but deciding NOT to lie was not even a thought because the justification explained it away or the desire to say it was right there (why deny it).

But after trusting Christ to take away the penalty for my sins (that disobeying His ways truly brings), God deposits within us a power (the same one that raised Him from the dead) that frees us from the desire and will to do something as simple as lying. His power not only convicts us when an opportunity arises, it even convicts us when we want to explain it away. It bares a bit more heavily on us when we make the choice to lie anyway and (hopefully) encourages you and me to confess it and ask God for forgiveness. But the most exciting thing is, what was once a one-way street has turned into a two-way street. When that same opportunity to tell even the littlest of lies arises, we have the power to say "no- i'd rather tell the truth and face the situation" and with every decision, telling the truth and denying the chance to lie, becomes easier and feels more freeing.

Jesus' resurrection gives you a Spiritual callus (if you will) to the things (desires, words, attitudes, motives, actions) that once brought you pleasure but bring God grief. His Spirit empowers us to feel at type of numbness to lying, cheating, stealing, giving into our lusts, gossiping about others, cursing others and much, much more! It makes us unresponsive to such probings by piling up a dead-ness to those things. It causes us to lose feelings attached to those behaviors and attitudes, until we are immersed in consistent desires to please the God who loved us so sacrificially.

Woman...Interrupted

       There I was living my life as a single, doing whatever I wanted to do. Coming when I pleased, going as I desired. If my friends had an event, I didn’t have to answer to anyone to decide whether or not I’d go, or what time I would be home. No responsibilities to anyone other than myself, my job, my money, my bills. Life was grand, or so I thought. I was at my social and personal climax- living in the place of my dreams. A little cozy spot with just the right carpet, a bar and my favorite amenity- a grand size garden tub perfect for bubble baths. The community pool was elegant and had an accompanying party size grill area where I had already hosted a few small socials. The clubhouse was perfect for an upcoming soiree I had planned out in my mind and the gym was a perk in terms of convenience for my weekly workouts.

I was most comfortable with my life and then it happened...

I stepped into my shower to decompress after a long day and the thought that had crept up into my mind a few times weeks before, found its way back into my empty thoughts. But this time I couldn’t dismiss it. Tears streamed down my face because I knew a call was on my life that I could no longer escape. I tried to push back the tears, but the lump in my throat had already taken up residence and seemed to fuel more tears and I secretly surrendered to the notion that I was being called out of my cushy life and into a selfless abandonment. One that would cause some sacrificial decisions. I couldn’t, at the time understand, why me? Of all the people in the world, why me? Of all the ways this could have transpired, why when I’m at my most satisfied place in life? A week or two went by with no answer and the desire to be obedient was overshadowed by life’s current realities. Until a phone call came one night as I sat in my closet tidying up. The person on the other end of the phone had no idea I had been crying when I answered the phone and yet only after a minute of small talk, said words I didn’t want to hear but knew were right from the Lord. She told me to surrender to whatever it was I had been running from and the waterworks came harder because I knew it was time. Like Jonah, I could no longer ignore it.

Reluctantly, I surrendered to a series of events that began to unravel and set this plan into motion. Once I settled into my new place of residence, I initially grumbled with complaints and questions of why. But again, my questions went unanswered and so I continued to make the best of a less than favorable situation. It took a few months, but in my new place, I began to see life from a lens I would have never seen had I remained in my selfish palace where I sat on my own throne. Suddenly, in part, it was clear to me- there were needs that God wanted to meet and He desired to use me as His vessel in meeting such a need. Isn’t it funny how life has us disillusioned to believe that when it’s all about us, things must be at their best? Nothing can be farther from the truth. God doesn’t NEED to use us, it’s His Sovereign choice.

God used Esther to deliver a group of people when she didn’t initially want to be used. He used Jonah to deliver a message to a group of people He desired to redeem, despite His initial desire to refuse to take that message to them. So why use us? Perhaps there’s a sanctifying that occurs when God does His redeeming work through us. I can attest to the fact that I have experienced a purer sense of living and yet an accompanying feeling of abasement by watching God fulfill His purpose through me. One that could not be experienced had I remained in the mirror primping over my own life.

If you find yourself in a Esther or Jonah situation, let me just encourage you to surrender to the prompting of the Spirit within you. Not only is there no use in running, but there’s no better experience than letting God do His perfect work in you as He uses you to move on the behalf of others.

New Project for 2018

I'm proud to announce and would love your prayers and support for...

A Hope Deferred Season

This is my sophomore book project, expected to be completed by March 2018. The book is soon to be complete but is still in the editing phases. I am also excited about the cover design which is in the works. Possibly the most trying components are the query letters and proposals that must be written and submitted for publication companies to underwrite it. 

My first book, Dating Deceit, was a project I self-published via CreateSpace- a company that partners with Amazon. This time, I'm taking another leap of faith and looking for a company willing to publish the book and place it on the physical shelves, in stores. Proposals are no easy tasks, so pray for my strength and wisdom needed to write it. That a company would find favor when reading both the query letter and proposals and desire to publish this piece. 

I am truly grateful for the ability and time as well as the passion to write and see dreams and desires I have blossom into fruition. Nothing but God's grace and divine intervention has carried me this far. Praying His favor and continued mercy as I move forward for His glory! My prayer is that lives would be impacted and hope springs eternal in the hearts of those who pick up the book. That their faith will be renewed as they find encouragement needed to not give up. 

Can A New Year bring A New Me?

Right around December 26th we begin to hear the age old cliche' "New Year, New Me!" begin to pour from the minds and mouths of our friends. Our Facebook timelines are filled with people's resolutions and expectations of the upcoming new year. Perhaps its the feeling in the air- the feeling of new beginnings that spur new opportunities and inspire chances to start over. Whatever it is, and regardless of how noble and inspirational the thought- the idea is comprised of cancerous thinking from a mindset that we can change our own lives.

You might be able to usher in a new habit of working out, eating differently or spending more time with your family. These new habits might start off strong and might even last for a sustained period of time. After all, nothing is wrong with a resolution that occurs in the form of writing down a dream or marking out a plan and holding yourself accountable to such a change. Keep in mind, however, that we can just as easily fail in a diet, falter in keeping with our routine of attending the gym and things can distract us and give us valid justifications for why we aren't as able to spend time with our family as we planned. In the same way, saying that we will curse less, be more committed to our spouses, treat people better might be great resolutions. They might look good on paper and enlisting our friends to hold us accountable might prove to last for a time.

But Romans 7 calls these efforts and attempts, whether they occur beginning in January or otherwise, futile attempts to maintain a set of rules or adhere to a law of sorts (vs 15). Friend, understand that the ability to live the Christian life does not occur by proclaiming we will be a "new me". Rules have no power and similarly, resolutions (as great and noble as making them can be) have no power. For this truth remains, nothing good dwells in our flesh (vs 18a). Think of all the good things that are on your resolution list and re-read that statement from Romans 7:18. We don't even have the ability to do those good things we've resolved to do. Yes, we have the desire to do those good things, but not the ability to carry it out (vs 18b NIV) is what scripture says.

I desire to be nicer to people who hurt me.
I desire to quit smoking.
I desire to stop being so hot tempered.
I desire to walk away from this selfish lifestyle.
I desire to be a better son/daughter/spouse/grandparent.
I desire to be more disciplined to save money.
I desire to tithe.
I desire to wake up every day and run a mile.
I desire to watch my words when i'm angry.

All great things you may or may not have desired from time to time. And yet scripture cancels our trained way of thinking that just because we desire it, we cannot will ourselves into behaving in these new ways. We don't have the ability to live the Christian life, much less be a "new me" at the turn of a new year. After all, despite popular belief of both those who scoff at the Faith and those who are drenched in religion, Christianity isn't about trying or working harder; it's an intimate personal relationship with Jesus -who is alive living His life (by His Spirit) through us. I know you might believe it's the Spirit's role to help us speak in tongues or fall out or whatever other visible evidences you've seen on television. But the book of Acts doesn't give the only account of the Spirit's abilities. It is the Spirit's role (in the Trinity) to convict us of what to do, what to say, how to handle issues because we don't know how to do what God asks us to do (John 16).

It's even a popular belief that "When we know better, we do better". Well actually, knowing better doesn't exactly mean we will do better. Yes, we do need to grow in our learning, but information isn't the key to change; although it is a catalyst for it. Paul says there's a law (knowledge) in our minds, but because we are so programmed to do wrong, trying to change ourselves without submission to God will exhaust us!

James McDonald, in his book, Lord, Change Me, states that Biblical change begins when we admit our problem is a heart problem. Can you and I own that we are broken because of sin?

Repeat after me:

I admit, I am not programmed to will myself into being a new me. I am so weak and feeble, I need help to do what's right. 

 Then, after such an admission-we must turn by realizing that only God can change our hearts.

Repeat after me:

God, grant me the desire to be different and help me to partner with you so I can be more loving towards people especially my enemies; help me walk in victory over my selfish and sinful desires; control me by your Spirit so that I don't lose my temper, say words that hurt and empower me to live for Your eternal purposes rather than my own personal self-gratifying pursuits. 

Rather than pridefully claiming, yet again, this cliche statement about the new you that will arise from 2018, I challenge you to instead commit to partner with the Lord in His desire to bring about the change He desires for you. Embrace whatever His Spirit convicts you of, each day. Yield to His gentle leading and watch as the New You that has already taken form (2 Corinthians 5:17), takes on continued newness through the changing seasons of your life- not just at the start of a new year.

What it means to be weak

Crutches are often seen as a tool that causes others to recognize the weakness of a person who has experienced an ailment. But when a tree leans on it's supports, it's actually seen as a growth tool. Well crutches are to a ligament what supports are to a tree trunk. The crutch isn't a weakness so much as it is a tool to support a feeble muscle or tree trunk during it's growing process. On it's way towards being strong, it needs support. God wants to be your strength, but you must first allow His Word and your faith to be the crutch that causes you to be "weak" (lean on Him rather than on your own understanding and ways).

I've learned, as a Believer challenged to walk out my faith, that weakness is welcomed in the eyes of our Savior. As He desires to be so much more (our Lord), He exemplifies such weakness in His own 33 years of life.

• When He often stole away to pray or spend some time alone. Luke 5:16

• When He was tempted by satan in the wilderness, yet leaned on the Word from His Father for strength to resist. Matthew 4:1-11

• When He faced death in the garden and pleaded to His Father to "let this cup pass" yet was equally able to surrender to the point of admitting His willingness to allow His Father's will be done over His own. Matthew 26:39-40

These examples have become evident in my own life as I've figured out that faith is more than a belief (for even the demons believe and tremble). Perhaps my faith was only tremble-worthy for so long, because I'm encouraged when I think about the weakness I experience when given a chance to take a step in faith. It's no coincidence that Paul says that he can boast in his weakness, because it's in that time that he finds immense strength 

(2 Corinthians 12:9-10). 

How does one find strength in weakness though? How does one turn away from the pride of wanting to be self-sufficient and instead embrace the weaknesses hidden within the faith walk? Much less, how does one submit themselves to face weakness long enough to experience the strength Paul speaks of?

Well having lost a majority of my possessions in the recent Hurricane Harvey floods that occurred in Houston; things like ottoman, armoire that held clothes, clothes that hung low in my closet, shoes, containers that held jewelry, bed frames, box springs, mattresses, couch sets and coffee tables, towels, washer, dryer, refrigerators, etc.  It's been an humbling situation. I feel like my helpless nephew. I know how to go out and purchase those things again, but the frustration of where to begin sets in; knowing that this was years of possessions accumulated, all lost in a few hours of torrential rain.

This helplessness has caused me to cry out to the Lord in faith. Not knowing how to restore 2 lost cars, a lost home, and possessions needed to fill a home. Where do I begin? So many people asking to help, but not knowing how to solicit their support. The overwhelmed pressure to move out of our displaced house (where we've imposed on family for weeks) and into our own space. The constant pull of various claim adjusters and insurance companies calling your phone or loan officers asking to support you. You fluctuate between whether to ignore calls or answer and when you answer, who do you trust? This is the nature of being weak. Knowing you must make informed and confident decisions, but unsure whether you are doing it correctly.

Then as you call out to the One you know as Savior- who has promised that when you call on Him to forgive sins that He will remember them no more and see you as forgiven. But you experience that He doubles as Lord because He has been working behind the scenes of your life- ironing out the details while you sleep at night. He has actually taken the driver seat and taken you for a ride that you had no idea would encompass such breathtaking scenery. I prayed for certain things before I even knew of an approaching storm. Secretly lifted up desires and needs to Him and yet had in mind how He might bring those things about. But never would I have imagined that He planned to answer those very requests, yet without my input on how He'd bring those answers about.

Yes, I desired to buy a house some years down the road, and take care of my mom by moving her in with me. Yes, I wanted a deeper level of faith in what I know He says to be true. Yes, I want people to see Christ in me daily as I serve them in love. But He would see fit to use a devastating storm to level everything I owned and make me trust His way completely with my hands behind my back, unable to participate in His plan.

Now, finding a home to purchase has nothing to do with me, except to look (knock, ask, seek...Matthew 7:7) and my mother's home is gone so she has to stay with me. His way.

Now, I'm in a position to trust He will provide for me everywhere I look. No trust in my finances or income. The deeper level of faith is staring me in the face. His way.

Now, people look at me week to week and see the sincere smile on my face and hear the joy in my voice and wonder how I can feel at peace when I've lost everything. I get to tell them that My God has me taken care of and that I didn't loose my life so I'm grateful. His way.

This is the strength that is found in being weak. I can stand with Paul, today and say...with the outpouring of support that has surrounded me and my family...the tons of gift cards, donations of new beds, refrigerators, washer/dryers, dressers, full living room sets...all given graciously by people who barely know my mother and I- that I am strongest, when I'm weak! For the Lord has encouraged me that He WILL provide for my family. That I don't have to worry about finding a home within my budget that suits our desires and needs, because He's working that out in the same way He had dozens of people think about my family without my knowledge. He placed us on their hearts and prompted them to give. If He does that, how much more will He provide all things we need? Matthew 7:11

The Wake of Harvey

Typically, I cringe when I think of visiting the wake of a loved one. Seeing their body, possibly, one last time before their casket is closed and their remains are tucked 6 ft under isn't the easiest thing to view.

A week ago today, Harvey took the life, as it were, of my mother's home. It's day-to-day items, furniture, memorabilia, cars and even hoarded belongings, all lying in a casket of bags waiting to be wheeled away and never seen again.

I remember it like the week was only a day ago.

We returned from the safe keeping of my brother's home in Cypress, thinking the storm hadn't proved to be as monstrous as promised. We figured we would wait it out at the house and if (unlikely) any water seeped in, we could be there to whisk it out. So we placed our heads on our pillows around 8:30 Saturday night and listened to the rain as the sound rocked us to sleep. However, that same sound that was just a soothing sound, now startled us and woke us at 1am to find it's constant downpour had covered the surface of our street. It wasn't anything we hadn't seen before yet we lay away listening for hours as the intensity of the downpour was relentless.

 Only two hours later, the water had risen to the edge of our yard which sat up on an incline. Again, not too concerned as we had seen this before and could only hope that soon it would die down and the water would recede. But that was not the case. For 3 more hours it pounded down and the levels rose to our front door, which was remarkable seeing that our house sat on an incredible incline. Now, at 6am, we were faced with whether or not we should do as the News Anchors suggested (stay settled, b/c a little water in the house isn't a big deal) or retreat to a 2nd floor/higher ground which would have to be a neighbors house because we reside in a 1 story home.

We put up, high, the last bit of furniture and belongings and unplugged items before quickly packing essentials and watching water slowly seep in. At this point, we tried calling the posted emergency numbers:
211
311
911
Coast Guard
All of which didn't respond. So we tried our neighbor who happens to be a church member only 6 houses down because she owns a 2 story house. Unable to even contact her, we had to think quick, the water in the house was rising. Undecisive, we stood watching in amazement as the rain thundered down even harder and we knew our window for escape was closing. Our neighbor called back and told us we were welcome if we could make it.

So we took to the window in the front room of the house, opened it, kicked out the screen and the water was there to greet us as we stepped out into knee high rain water. Onto the porch, we shuffled out into the pouring rain and high water strategizing on how to cross the driveway which held a swift current. Creeping along, we held on to branches as the water grew towards our waist and we worried whether we would make it past 6 houses and driveways. We looked up, one house away, and saw some neighbors standing on their 2nd story porch watching us traverse the waters. We begged to join them up high and they welcomed us.

We climbed into a window that sat about 3 feet off the ground by climbing onto a chair they passed to us to place in the 2 feet of water. Climbing into their window we stepped down onto another chair and into the 2 feet of water that had filled their bottom floor. We settled in a bedroom upstairs as they gave us towels to dry off. For the next 8 hours we watched rain fizzle down and heap with intensity, praying the waters would recede, but losing hope as there seemed to be no way out. During those hours, I watched from the balcony of their 2nd floor, neighbor after neighbor leave their home and wade into the waist high water, Westward with their most valued belongings on rafts and inflatable air mattresses. My curiosity was piqued. Where were they going? To a neighbors house with 2 stories or to a safer place? As I glanced down the street in the direction of their travels, I spotted green patches of grass and vehicles not bothered by the rain levels. Could this be a beacon of light and hope?

I devised a plan. We could climb back out the window and wade down the street to this mirage of safety and possibly get a friend to pick us up and whisk up to dry ground. But could someone even find their way to our neighborhood or was the entire subdivision and surrounding areas as flooded as our street? Unsure, I called a friend who lived nearby what she thought and she jumped onboard my plan by saying her neighborhood was untouched and they could possibly make their way to us, if we could wade to the end of the neighborhood.


Eager to not be trapped, we climbed out the neighbors window, waded to our house to try and gather some food that was higher up before retreating from the neighborhood but were met with dangerous feats. First, we opened the door to our flooded house to find smoke filling the living room. Realizing the water had covered the still-live outlets, we felt it too dangerous to proceed and quickly closed/locked the door. We continued our trek in the pouring rain to the end of the street where the water had gotten considerably lower and eventually was walking on unflooded concrete. But my friend was no where to be found and we worried who would rescue us now. Desperately, I flagged down a truck as we stood in the blinding rain outside the neighborhood and it pulled a Uturn to come see about us.

Not knowing we were looking for relief, for they were only searching for food, I asked if they would be able to transport us a block away. In all kindness and sincerity they allowed us to hop aboard the back bed of their truck and whisked us away to my friends dry home. There we were fed and in the meantime, my brother was able to use his phone app to search for dry streets to make his way to us. Now 5pm, and soaking wet, we were finally on the way to my brothers side of town where it was not raining nor flooded. Finally able to take showers and find comfort in clean dry couches, we laid down our weary bodies and rest our worried minds.

From this adventure, though the sound of rain still brings somewhat unsettled hearts, we are left visiting the wake of those things lost. With the sun providing some sort of consolation for the next few days, we were still starring our things in the face as they lay out on the front lawn of our once peaceful dwelling place. We still wept as we traced our steps and glanced over the memories of once laying our head on that bed or sitting on that soft couch being swept away by the the show that once shown on that TV. We reminisced as we tossed out pots and Tupperware that once served to hold hot the food that fed and comforted us. The nostalgia in our minds and hearts lingered as we stuffed large garbage bags with the things we once held dear.

The most popular used scripture at funerals for Believers in Jesus Christ is 1 Thessalonians 4:
13 And now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died[a] so you will not grieve like people who have no hope. 14 For since we believe that Jesus died and was raised to life again, we also believe that when Jesus returns, God will bring back with him the believers who have died.

The verse is meant to comfort us when we lose loved ones. We don't have to mourn as if we will never see them again, because if in fact they are children of God and we too have given our lives to the Savior, we will be reunited in Heaven some day. I experienced this type of comforting feeling when my father passed away. Yes, it was a difficult time to lose someone close, but I didn't have to be overcome by grief because I knew he was in a safe place, able to be delivered from his health issues. And one day, when I too pass away, will be in the same place as he is.

This helps when thinking about lost belongings as well. The things purchased are temporary. They aren't meant to get attached to. They're lost but can be re-purchased and life anew can begin.

Friends...how many of us (are) them?

So this past Sunday my Pastor spoke on the subject, "Friends, how many of us have them?" He came out of the popular passage(s) that highlight Jonathan and David's friendship. Not surprising. What was surprising, however was the spin he put on the text.

Rather than talking about how to spot true friendships, or how to analyze your current circle for true & false friendships...he talked about what BEING a friend looks like. I must say I wasn't ready to look inside myself and my circle and reflect on my ability to friend people.

What's worse is he started off by having us think through the people we've unfriended on social media and why. Right off the bat, I was defensive in thought, mentally telling him to back off because I have my reasons! But it wasn't long before the Holy Spirit, true to its gentle nature, stroked my heart and the reflection began.

Transparent moment:
So I've been struggling, as a single who has lots of married friends, with an issue that I recently took to God for wisdom. Now, I have single friends who I talk to and can confide in for certain things. But for the most part, friends my age are married & with kids (no less). So insert issue here.

Often times when in conversation, I tend to take the quiet role (my nature) and my friends are generally talkative. Opposites attract. No problem there. But I've noticed that during their portion of the conversation everything tends to be smooth. It isn't until I begin to talk & unfold my soul that the interruptions occur.

At first, it wasn't a big deal but then I started to notice how frequently it occurred. Not just within one conversation, but in multiple conversations and with multiple friends. Interruptions involving family members, children, home obligations, etc. Many times leaving them to say, "I'm sorry...hold on..." or "Let me call you back..."
Again, at first it wasn't a big deal. But then when I started to divulge things I deemed important I began to realize just how irritated I had secretly become. I worshipped my irritation, letting it brew and fester; telling myself things like, "just don't even talk anymore, as a matter of fact, don't answer the phone- stay to yourself. Cut people off!" Yes, it got that extreme in my mind. I hadn't explored how to address the issue for the same of being truthful in my friendship, I was ready to socially "unfriend" people.

When Pastor shed light on how friendships (and even married relationships) are not about us getting our needs met, but about putting the needs of others ahead of ourselves; I must say I was convicted. I know I must honor the irritation that naturally rises (bc of pride) in my heart, but I cannot crown it king over my emotions. I certainly cannot worship my hurt feelings by expressing it  in my actions. Instead, I can respectfully share my thoughts and in the meantime continue to put my friends' needs above my own. It's this sacrifice that keeps friendships nourished.

The Love-Respect cycle is what research titles it in relation to marriage. When he loves her, she will respect him. When she respects him, he will love her. It's never about trying to get love or respect, it's about giving it (whether or not the other partner reciprocates or holds up to their duty). When God is glorified, He causes the heart of the other person to change! I love this! But I need Gods strength through His indwelling Spirit to work it out in me. Bottom line isn't my friendships, it's Gods glory!

This is just how being a friend applied for me, what reflections for your friendships might you extract from Philippians 2:3-4? Not for your friends, but for you?

Summer Fling...Part 3

By 4 pm that day, I had hit submit and it was done. I had applied for a job on mere faith. I immediately prayed my fears would subside and I would be content with the idea that I might not be chosen.

Months passed by and I did not receive a phone call nor email. I made plans to continue to focus on my goals for the upcoming school year. I worked as if I was returning to my current assignment. My summer began, and I was swept away physically and mentally by the vacations and events I had planned months in advance.

Midway through the summer, while out of town, I received a voice message that said:

"Hi Kim! This is [so and so] and I'm calling because I'm looking at the resumes on my desk and yours stood out to me. I want to call you in for an interview, if you're still interested in the position!"

My mouth ajar, I pulled the phone away from my ear and looked at it with awe. My resume stood out? Could this be a joke? Did a lot of other people apply? I was certain mine would get lost in the shuffle of more qualified applicants. Later that night, I heard a guy speaking to a group of high school kids and his words of affirmation to them were "Whatever the world uses to disqualify you is the very thing God uses to qualify you!" His words might have never reached any of the 70 kids in that room, those words were just for me. I reflected on them and used my meditation on those words to calm my fears.

A week later, while trying to prepare for the interview, I heard a calm in my Spirit say to "Just trust me"...don't practice. So on the way to the interview, I prayed "Lord, help me to understand that if I am not chosen, it is because of your purpose IN me, not because i'm being rejected personally. Give me the authentic words to say when responding to each question. Amen." Feeling as if I probably needed to pray more, I knew that was all I could pray and I  just silently rode to the interview.

Round 1: 
Three people sat in front of me with page of questions. One of the three knew me personally because I had done some presentations in front of them in the previous 16 months. But as the questions came, I paused and tried to reflect on my experiences as a Program Coordinator for math at my former district and my last 2 years serving the campuses I had been assigned to. 45 minutes later, I was done and relieved. It was over!!
A call came the following day (less than 24 hrs later) and the words came thorough the phone:
"Kim, we absolutely loved you in your interview. You seem to embody all that we are looking for and you had us all in your corner when you said ...." I thanked her and she went on to say, "A candidate came in after you and we decided to go with her because she already had prior Coordinator experience and had been through a curriculum audit. But we thank you for your time...blah blah blah."
It WAS over. I didn't feel an ounce of remorse or regret. I had stepped out on faith and it was proven that it wasn't my season. I let my loved ones know and was content to finish my summer without any pressure.

Round 2:
The following morning, I got a call from the same number that had called me only 17 hours earlier.
"Kim, we could not stop talking about and thinking about you and your interview. We are not content to choose this other candidate without getting more objective vantage points. We want to reinstate you into the interview process and move you to round 2."
Wait, what!!!??? What had just happened? Had God put my name in their minds and changed their hearts? Was he prolonging this faith test? Was it in His purpose after all? There was no time for doubting, I had come this far.
Sunday night, I received a call from my Associate Superintendent, who coincidentally knew me from my previous campus assignment interactions. An hour later, we were done with questions that were more probing and yet again I felt I hadn't given any conventional/traditional answers...only authentic responses based on real experiences.

Round 3:
A call came the following day telling me that I was being moved to round 3 and would be interviewed by a panel of district elementary teachers. At this point, I was exhausted mentally. Over a week had gone by and I just wanted the process to end. I had never been through such a rigorous process of hiring. Up until this point, every hire has been because I've been asked to take a position so interviewing wasn't involved in the process.
Now I sat in front of a Kinder, 3rd and 5th grade teacher,. Two other district personnel sat on the panel taking notes and I sat down at one end of the table what seemed like miles from everyone else. One of the three teachers, again was from a campus I had been assigned to previously and although the face was a comfortable place to rest my attention, the questions from their mouths were the most intense I had ever encountered.

I literally had sweat running down my back for the next 90 minutes as they went around the table 5 times each of them rattling off situation and question after question/scenario. I must have prayed each one of them read their question, because I knew that I had to be authentic and reflect on my previous experiences if I wanted to leave there feeling any type of success. I could not be fake. When it was all over, I got a call the next day and the job was extended to me!

The journey that began with faith, traversed through doubt and fear, yet had ended with purpose! God revealed to me that His favor and faithfulness was the only factors in this process. All of this conspired to show me that He would be the only factor that would carry me through this new season. That leaning and trusting Him would be essential if I were to desire any success. And that's the fling that has taken my love affair with my Savior into a deeper Lordship with Him. I can openly speak of His pursuing love and kindness towards me and it cements my faith that He will do the same in any other areas of my life that He has purposed for me!