"So are we dating anyone?"
No -"Hey Kim, nice to see you! You look so pretty, just like your mother."
No- "Hey Kim, we've missed you! How are things going for you?"
Nope, just right to the hum-dinger; straight gut punch. Right for the jugular! So, of course, despite the secret fear that I had let them down, I replied in my best upbeat and optimistic tone- "no, I'm not!"
To which they added,..."not yet!" I flashed my fake smile and found other relatives to greet.
Only 3 hours later did I run into a handful of my other great-aunts and one of them pulled me close giving me the biggest and warmest hug and immediately asked, "So there's no one special in your life, yet?" I thought this had to be a joke. Seriously? Is this what older women want for all of their precious grands and great grands? Surely there's more they pray and dream about for us. But after my response this time, I assured her that it wasn't as if I hadn't gone on several dates or had no suitors- but that I simply hadn't been found by the one my heart loves.
Yes, 2018 has been quite the "speed dating" adventure. No, I didn't actually speed date, but I certainly accepted quite the number of offers this year (more than the usual because I've been type-cast as being too picky and I'm trying to give bruhs a chance).
Going out on dates teaches us a lot about our hearts. It not only shows us who we truly are, but it also tells us a story about what we value and how much we value ourselves.
Who we truly are-
I try not to hold anything against the guys I reject, because often times its truly me. One date I had this year, was exceptionally handsome and I knew within seconds that if he even hugged me, it would be the end of my purity walk (shade me if you must)- I'm just being real. Being around him brought out every suppressed lustful bone in my body and I was quite self aware. Needless to say, I had to end things after our first date because his advances were quite strong and I simply did not trust myself around him. I learned (or better yet was reminded) that while I'm grateful that by God's grace I've been able to walk in purity, that does not mean that I don't deeply long to satisfy myself more than I desire to please God, at times.
What we value-
Sometimes I have a mental idea of the type of guy that will thoroughly impress me. But that mental list can easily get mixed with the type of man my heart longs to court. Here's what I mean. In my heart there's really no list. I know I'll eventually connect with someone who sincerely loves God and walks humbly with Him, because that's who I am (and am daily becoming) at my core. But as a result of loving God, I also desire to serve in my church, along with other service related actions that might seem "religious". So sometimes when I notice a guy is involved in these "religious" acts, I assume I know what his heart is like. Well, I grew instantly attached to one of my 2018 dates because of the things he did; however, when I saw his true heart, my affections dwindled because no amount of his outward behaviors could cover for the degrading way he treated people. I learned about myself, that 'out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks' and I should value the hearts words just as much as its actions.
How much we value ourselves-
Two of my 2018 dates were quite charming and yet somehow being around them I never really felt valued. With one, it was the the way I was spoken to (in a condescending manner for no reason) and with the other, I never really felt I was being pursued. Blame my father, but he always called me his princess and taught me to be courted with great value. He took me on father-daughter dates growing up, showing me how attentive and respectful men should be to the woman they're interested in. After a week with one of my 2018 dates, I felt I could have treated myself to a better time. Being looked at with desire and asked about your day are the little things; being heard and treated as if your opinion matters, are simple things that go much farther than simple chivalrous tasks such as opening a door. This dates' actions were completely self-absorbed to the point he felt that the reward was being with him. I learned to never let anyone convince you that you deserve to be treated a certain way simply because that's how that person is. I'll never be ashamed of my expectations because God is in the business of going exceedingly above what we desire and expect.
Turning 39 in a few days and still on the dating scene is somewhat un-conventional these days but it's a sweet (sometimes frustrating) adventure! One that often leaves me reflective and keeps me praying about my future! Nevertheless, I am content to leave the results in the loving, perfect hands of my Father who knows, better than I, what's best for me!
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