Hurt people, Hurt people

Often times in life, we may come across a situation where an old friend decides to 'burn the bridge' of a friendship unexpectedly (and maybe even without a complete understanding of why). This can cause a lot of hurt and emotional imbalance. Depending on how deep or long the friendship, it can lead to nights filled with tears and even borderline depression.

The phrase "hurt people, hurt people" comes to mind. Its the thought that when people are hurt by others, they tend to inflict that same type of hurt on those who cross their path. This, whether knowingly or unknowingly tends to happen and thus begins a domino affect of damaged emotions and battered relationships.

As I reflected upon this and how it's hit so close to home for me, I happened upon an interesting thought: 'Hurt people don't have to hurt people.'

We use that phrase to excuse (if you will) or justify the actions of people, but for believers, honestly we are not justified by that phrase. As a matter of fact, we are held to an entirely different standard.

We are expected to bring our wounds, hurts and pain to the Lord. In exchange, He promises His healing and frees us from having to hurt other people. His ointment soothes the injury that results from our wounds which compels us to act in a way that pleases Him.

Psalm 147:3 "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds"

 

 

No longer should reacting to situations become our mantra, but acting in the power and under the influence of the Holy Spirit becomes our way of life.

 

If you're the one who has burned the bridge, pray the Lord heals your broken heart and rectify relationships you may have destroyed. If you're the one reaping the destruction of the burned bridge, pray for that person who was hurt...that the Lord would heal them. But understand while men are predisposed to rejecting others, it's Gods nature to accept us. Find healing and freedom in that truth!

Bio-illogical Clock

A year ago, I had fibroid removal surgery (just non-cancerous growths on my internal lady parts). It was quite the experience, emotional, physically and spiritually.

Emotionally: My biological clock was booming in my ears! It didn't help that my sexy, African American OBGYN was questioning why a pretty gal like me wasn't married yet. His line of questioning had me wondering if HE was available for the baby making process! Ya know!? LOL (low-key kidding) But seriously, I wasn't getting any younger and even when I went to get a 2nd opinion, my much older, very foreign-accented doctor found a way to clearly articulate that I needed to hurry and pick a man to have a baby with.

Physically: I'll spare you the grimy details, but in short, there was a lot of pain, a huge belly and one very specific woman in a New Testament story that I could have identified with a bit. From that, it was imperative that if I wanted to conceive anytime soon, those watermelon sized fibroid needed to be removed for the safety of that process.

Here's the catch! My doctors conveyed to me that the fibroids could return in as little as 2 years and that I needed to plan to get pregnant within that window ..."or else".

Spiritually: Bear with me as I connect the two.

Plan A: My own bio-LOGICAL plan- Get married (whenever God sends a suitor), conceive and viola...my life is set!

Plan B: Take my Doctor's advice- rush my plan along by considering a rush order on plan A.

Outlandish Plan C: Considering that in 1990 I gave my life to the Lord, fuel my growing desire to trust Him with the details and plans of my life.

Which door do I choose? Plan A, B or ...and I do mean OR... wait on the Lord. But do I really have time to wait? I mean according to plan B's advice?

Genesis 16 is an account of a man and woman who did just that. Chose their own plan over God's and although God saw fit to make provision within that, there were some repercussions from their decision. It was very obvious what was expected of me...to wait and trust God's plan for my life.


Did I get the surgery? Yes!
But if God doesn't allow me to conceive within 2 years, that's His business...not my queue to jump in the driver's seat and take the wheel. Because ponder this: I can decide to get married, attempt to conceive, and He STILL (Sovereignly) decide that fibroids or no fibroids...He doesn't will that I have children that way.

Ultimately its His temple that I manage and He desires we yield to His plan...for it is far better than ones we could ever dream up or chase after!

Be encouraged friend, "wait, I say, on the Lord..."

My Mind's playing tricks on me

Some of yal may be too young to remember that song by the Geto Boys back in the 90's. "My Mind's playing tricks on me" talked about the paranoia, hallucinations and delusions that can exist in our mental state. Am I the only one whose mind takes me back to the mistakes I've made:

• The great guys I've dated but nit-picked at and thus let go of.
• The foolish activities I chose to behave in when I knew they were no good for me to begin with.
• The secret sins I indulged in to temporarily satisfy my hidden cravings.

The mental chastisement is often too much to bear. The emotional side of me encourages me to run home and bury my head in my pillow and cry. If left to these thoughts too long, thoughts of depression are only a block away.

The only thing that pulls my mind away from this trap, is the Holy Spirit's reminding me of God's character: His faithfulness, love, patience with me, forgiving nature. All of these things come rushing in and all of a sudden I'm not so blue.

I went to the beach the other day and although the beach is a beautiful place to be because of the blue water and the crashing waves, there's an unavoidable evil you MUST face before you hit the water. Its the burning, sticky sand. Those little irritants get into everything you bring...your clothes, your shoes, your electronics, your food (if you're not careful) and your drinks! It's inevitable. It's so frustrating that as sure as I get all the sand washed off of me from the ocean and make it back to my blanket, I've managed to get full of sand all over again. Then my blanket gets infected as well as pretty much everything I touch.

Have you ever dealt with tormenting thoughts of your past? It's inevitable and an unavoidable thing that the enemy (via your mind) wants to control you by sticking those burning thoughts of your past, your mishaps, faults and mistakes to your conscious. Like irritants they can infiltrate your emotions and take you down paths that lead to depression.

Joseph (Genesis chapters 37-46) had a lot of things he could have regretted: telling his brothers about his dreams, getting passed over when the cupbearer and baker's dreams were interpreted, and maybe even saying 'no' to Potiphar's wife may have seemed like a bad idea in a weak moment. But in chapter 45 verse 5 he tells his brothers 'don't think this was a bad thing on your part...God did this!'.

"I form light and create darkness,
    I make harmonies and create discords.
    I, God, do all these things." Isaiah 45:7

Not that He orchestrates sin, but he permits the punishment of its actions and is Sovereign enough to use it for His benefit.

Yessss! That's it...there's your blue water and crashing waves! God allows calamity and darkness and bad times! He has so much purpose that lies beyond the sand grains of our lives. He wants the waves of his love, mercy, grace and joy to crash upon our lives and wash away the stains of our past so we are ignited into new, refreshing seasons.

Life can be found in Death...

Typically when we think of death, we think of a morbid situation. Losing someone we love, or a tragic lost of life. The ending of something, the burial of someone, the weeping and sorrow associated with such events come to mind.

While browsing in Hobby Lobby, a lady summoned my opinion on a bouquet she was putting together for a burial site. It got me to thinking about how my own family frequents the site of our lost loved ones. We demonstrate our respect for their passing by adding flowers to their tombstones and discussing beautiful memories. Strangely enough, we somehow find joy in what was once a sad occasion.

I played basketball (quite well I might add) from 6th grade all the way through my first year of college. Some of those years were more intense than others. During high school, of course, I hit my peak for the love of the sport and vowed to pursue a future in over seas League Ball post-college. More immediately, I sought after schools who were willing to offer me money to play during my college years. Seeing that my most desired school (Baylor) had NOTHING to offer me, yet wanted my high school rival on full-scholarship, my dream began to dwindle. And though I was a proud member of the championship Intramural women's team my freshman year in college, I soon had to face the death of my dream.

I mourned for about a month, but not a minute longer, because from that death, was birthed what would become a mighty ministry on the Baylor Campus. Not long after giving up the dream to play ball, the Lord ushered into my life two women who would set the foundation for and be the catalyst behind my facilitation of women small groups on campus that would later launch a movement of men and women who desired to learn how to practically walk with the Lord.


I'm reminded of the phrase "...If a grain of wheat falls to the earth and dies, it produces many others and yields a rich harvest." It seems that the most productive life can be found in death.

What has died in your life? What have you wept over? What have you lost and/or given up? Remain encouraged as you look for the life that God desires to create out of your situation. Know this (as well), dying to ourselves (our own desires) produces life in us as well. It allows Christ to live IN us. So don't mourn too long over the things that are dying, the closed doors, your sacrifices; for life is right around the corner! So rejoice in what's to come!

Take a Hike

Had quite the unexpected adventure in Austin, TX this past week. When/If you decide to take a short (cheap) vacay, I would suggest a few places:

1. Barton Springs Park 

They have amazing hiking trails (Sculpture Falls, Twin Falls)
They have a pretty cool (and by pretty cool I mean freezing cold) natural springs pool called Barton Creek.

2. Mt. Bonnell

 The highest point in the city and has a spectacular view of the city

3. Hamilton Pool

A beautiful natural springs pool (not as cold as Barton Creek) with gorgeous natural falls.
Also a nice hiking trail

Needless to say, my adventure included hiking up one of its many trails. As my natural inclination would have it, I made a deliberate effort to study the trail map they provided before embarking down the trail. However, I found myself 2 miles in and unsure of exactly where I had wandered off to. Some of the trail broke off into smaller less distinct trails, while at other spots it turned into a fork in the road leaving me curious as to which direction I was supposed journey.

My goal was to reach one of the swimming holes that promised to have breath-taking views, but I never seemed to make it there. Along the way, I found myself short of breath, slowly getting discouraged and desiring to turn around. At those times, I stumbled upon random signs that confirmed whether or not I was facing the right direction. At one point, an experienced hiker to that area even gave me direction when I was about to meander down the wrong trail.

What a lesson the Spirit showed me as I journeyed back to the parking lot. Its advantageous to study God's word as it relates to His direction for my life. However, it is imperative that I trust His guidance as life offers trails that seem inviting. At those times when I get discouraged and get ready to turn around He provides people and events to confirm the direction that will lead me to where He desires me to be.

Be comforted in knowing that the Spirit of God that dwells within you (as a Believer), has a role to guide us into truth. That role is supported by the various promises that God will guide, direct and order our steps. So when life gets a bit confusing and doors (trails) seem to close...trust God's guidance.

Dating Idols

Between the years of 2000 and 2006, I decided to take an investment in my single life by reading as many books both about 'Preparing for your future husband' and 'Finding the perfect man'. The names of the books will remain nameless in efforts to protect the innocent. At face value, these reads coupled with closely observing and gleaning from women with seasoned marriages, set the stage for the idols that would later defend my quest for adequate dating material. Now, mind you I said 'at face value'. As you read on, don't mistake my comment for meaning that there is no value in reading healthy Christian literature or surrounding yourself with 'the wise' (Prov. 13:20). 

So, during those years and immediately following that, plenty of honorable suitors knocked on my door, and I unconsciously allowed these idols to shut the door in their faces. Now before you start throwing stones (or grabbing your Vaseline and sneakers), don't come for me just yet...hear me out.

Idol #1- They're a Goodie-2-Shoes...
You know the ones...they have it ALL together (or so it seems).
Plan for their life? Check.
Know what they want in the relationship? Check.
Serving in a church? Check. I could go on.
You're probably looking at me like "...and what's wrong with that?" NOTHING!!!
I was too busy expecting this was a cover up; that I was being punk-ed. I wanted my mate to have a little thug in him. I knew I didn't have it all together, so neither could he! If I could do it again, I'd probably just ensure that this type of guy didn't have unrealistic expectations from me, and vice versa. Their life may be a great façade which can be misleading, but maybe they just have a sensitive spirit that stays yielded to the Lord. Bottom line, being overly suspicious isn't fair.

Idol #2- There's something, but I just can't put my finger on it...
When you're so busy looking at the great models of seemingly amazing marriages around you, you tend to nit-pick at what's in front of you. I could have been dating a great guy, but because I was so busy looking at what my seasoned married friends had in their husbands and wanting that in my own potential husband, I missed the chance to praise what was in the man pursuing me. Instead I saw all of the things he wasn't. Bottom line, being critical isn't healthy.

Idol #3- You DON'T have it all together...
I know this sounds like a contradiction to my first idol...BECAUSE IT IS!
[Make up your mind, Kim...goish..] -- I know, I know smh. Idols are tricky like that.
One minute, I can't stand that you might have it all together and the next, I'm upset that you don't. No available suitor was safe. Again, the books I read encouraged me to compose an intangible list. And though I'd swear I "had no list", secretly I did. And it led to my dating demise. Bottom line, being arrogant isn't a good look.

Recently, I was traumatized by a creepy crawler who decided to visit me in the middle of the night while I was sound asleep. Its presence startled me to my core, waking me, and leaving me with a fear so paralyzing that I vowed not to return to my cozy bed that night. The trauma later provoked me to purchase whatever preventative fogs, traps and gels I could find to protect me the following night. Ironically enough, those tangible poisons (as powerful and effective as they promised to be) could not completely secure the peace I was looking for.

These idols caused me to view marriage as a pseudo-safe place where I wanted to be involved with a man who was already equipped to:

Wash me in the Word
Put me in check whenever I was tempted to backslide
Know how to love me unconditionally
Be 100% committed to being committed
..and don't get me started on being a great dad or potential leader in the church, etc!

So, in the same way, I allowed these idols to cause me to avoid any possible problems that might occur later in marriage and might ultimately lead to divorce. My fear of these potential issues was trauma enough to develop these idols that served as preventative measures. What I soon realized was that these intangible idols (my tangible poisons) just wouldn't suffice. God desired to push me into the deep waters to test where I would find true security and peace--in trusting Him, alone.

IDOL BUSTERS:

Buster #1. There are no real Boaz, Hosea's & Proverbs 31 women. Those are characters from the Old Testament that God used to represent characteristics He desires to develop in men who chase after His heart. The solution is to ascertain (James 1) whether a man chases God's heart. Everything else (as far as His character is concerned) will overflow from that simple desire.

Buster #2. There are no perfect marriages. God designed marriage in the same way He designed the relationship between the church and Himself...consistently in a cycle of perfecting, until He returns. To desire a mate who 'has arrived' in their walk, is to avoid the very issues that create situations for us to trust God. The unavoidable frictions found in marriage are merely opportunities for God to perfect the flawed characteristics that lie dormant in our flesh.

Simply put, God is no respecter of idols. He stands jealous of them all. He will pull them down so He may prove to be our true security blanket.

 

What NOT to say...to a SINGLE person!

Imagine attending a wedding reception, and you watch as your single friends leave the floor from attempting to catch the bouquet/garter! Inundated with enthusiasm for their future, you begin to think of how amazing it will be when they meet someone and you are sitting (or standing) at their wedding. So you waltz over and blurt out the nicest and most sensible phrases that come to mind! After all, marriage is the beginning of their "real life"!

WRONG! HAVE SEVERAL SEATS...actually, have all the seats at the wedding reception.

I'd like to speak (if I may) on behalf of several single people who are in a state of mental and emotional frustration concerning contentment. Here are my TOP 5 things a married person should NEVER say to a single person:

5. I should hook you up with someone -- OR -- Don't worry, your time is coming soon.
I know this sounds harmless and all, but to a single who is eager to marry or anticipating the romantic joys of a relationship headed towards marriage, this can be a real "thrill-killer" when that over-zealous married person promises a hook-up yet gets so involved in the affairs of family/married life that they forget to actually hook that person up. Even the premature (yet seemingly encouraging) announcement that my time is drawing near can be a bit misleading. What if God calls them to singleness later in life or has a different purpose for them? It seems nice to say, but may encourage false hopes, that when deferred, make the heart sick (Prov. 13:12).
Advice: Just set up the hook up, don't talk about it. And don't mention 'their time' unless they are right about to walk down the aisle in 5 minutes (and sometimes not even then).

4. You must first be content as a single.
Ahhh yes- the religious response! After all, didn't Paul admonish believers to be content in whatever state their in (Phil 4:11-13)? And didn't Paul enjoy HIS singleness. Let's not forget God called Paul to this life and some people are...well...NOT CALLED! This isn't to say they shouldn't be content but some things are easier said than done. Many singles who chase after God's heart are in fact seeking after a content attitude and heart, and God is developing that over time. This advice seems admirable, but though God desires contentment from us, this doesn't ONLY apply to single seasons. And it's not a requirement before marriage. So what of this response? It's a brush off response that lacks empathy. Just reflect to your single years and how you would have felt if someone had 'encouraged' you with these words. I'm sure (like most) you'd be even less content WITH THEIR RESPONSE!
Advice: Just be there to listen to their concerns and struggles. Empathize with them, but challenge them to be busy with things they're passionate about. Help them create a list of things God HAS provided for them and to meditate on that list every time they get discouraged. Then in your secret prayer time, pray for their contentment.

3. Ask God what it is He needs to work on in YOU...after all maybe you aren't ready yet!
WHAT!!!??? Oh I wish I had time with this one. So you telling me ALL the people in ALL the world (that are married) had ALL their ducks in a row BEFORE they got married? "Girl BYE" A wise woman once told me that God designed marriage as an institution that He could use to perfect people by rubbing them together. Which meant (to me), He has no problem using two very imperfect people legally and spiritually bound together to mature them both into looking just like Him. This, alone, takes a lot of the romantic look out of marriage, but I digress. My point is, lets not act like we had it all together when we walked down the aisle, and lets not forget we never will.
Advice: While every single has some idle God wants to deal with, help that single focus on their spiritual growth in general; not for the purpose of being ready when their spouse proposes. Keep your personal experiences out of the conversation (in these cases) because everyone meets and marries under different conditions and God's methods aren't to be confound to a box.

2. Maybe you should go out more -- OR -- Why don't you try online dating?
Not that I have anything against going out or online dating (nor do I frown completely upon this advice)...they are both rather conventional methods in our day in age; but what if I don't prefer (but not necessarily opposed) to meeting someone those ways? Do I change my patterns, morals, and schedules to accommodate this advice for that sole purpose? And what if I can't? What if I can't afford to go out more or it isn't within my budget to join online dating sites (the legit ones)? Do I miss out on what God may have for me? I think not! Those aren't the end all-be all. God won't be boxed, He can cause a recluse to meet an extrovert in the most unimaginable ways.
Advice: Encourage your single friends to break their molds without pressure (not simply to meet others); reminding them that God can cause them to meet their mate however He wants.

1. When are YOU gonna get married?
Finally, the phrase that was heard around the world. Or at least after most weddings, and in some churches' by zealous pastors. If I could count the number of times I have heard this question, I probably wouldn't know the number that follows that number. Yes...THAT many times! I mean, how does one even begin to answer this question?
"Um, in a year or so?",...
"Oh as soon as I catch a valid candidate & hoax him into marrying me", ...
"LOL, not any time soon it seems!"
Sometimes I just want to have a few token answers on board just to shock people. Instead, I coyishly laugh and silently wait for the awkward silence to fade and the subject to change. What I really want to say is "[heck] if I know!!!" You see, for most females, we don't even know IF they guy we are dating will propose or desire to be married. And many males (if they haven't done so already) may or may not be planning to marry the girl they're currently dating. Point being, its a question loaded with pressure and it's simply the kind of pressure no single wants. It rings (no, not the kind you put on ones finger) ...IN THEIR HEADS, long after the event has ended and the person who jokingly started the conversation has walked away. It taunts us at every wedding, and engagement party. It is annoyingly awaiting us at every family gathering and reunion (should we show up with no significant other). And we loathe it! So stop!
Advice: Very simple- Don't ask!

Okay, real talk, here are the most ideal ways of helping your single friends:

1. Find out how we're doing in the area of 'waiting'. Ask genuine questions just to allow us to vent. Then leave it at that. Give advice if its asked for.

2. Let us know, candidly, that marriage is no 'beginning of a fairy tale and thus life'. Often times helping us see that marriage can ALSO be filled with disagreements and tension, tough conversations and sacrificial compromises will help sober the commercialized mentality that marriage is, 24-7, filled with hopeless romance. Take the pressure off.

3. Help us see that we are exactly where we need to be in life and like in all things (especially marriage), God desires that our eyes and trust be fixed on Him! Once that feat is conquered, even a marriage that seems like hell, can be faced with peace!

Although empathy (remembering what your single days were like) can be the great leveler; just simple compassion can go a long way. Words do have power, and often times a good intended word may be laced with the very powder than can cause a destructive blow.